First off, I want to apologize to my loyal reader for such a prolonged absence. The research I put into this article took a bit longer than I had previously hoped. With Troy Ellerman (the guy who leaked the BALCO investigation testimony to the San Francisco Chronicle) getting sentenced to 2 ½ years in prison last week for his actions in that scandal, people around the steroids investigations have been decidedly more tight-lipped. That being said, you would be surprised what a few palms greased with some flaxseed oil can get you.
As you all know, Yankee slugger Jason Giambi went before former Sen. George Mitchell and his MLB-sanctioned steroids probe on Friday of last week. However, immediately following said meeting, both sides weren’t talking. It was as silent as the arena at a Sacramento Monarchs - San Antonio Silver Stars game.
Nevertheless, aided by my incredible investigative skills, I have done it! I have recovered the written transcript of Giambi’s testimony. Although Ellerman admitted to leaking the BALCO testimony as a result of the mounting pressure of the case combined with alcohol and cocaine problems (most likely fueling a hefty financial need), my source was under much less stress and helped me out solely out of what he described as boredom. Cooperating on the condition of anonymity because of his desire not to be linked to such a ludicrous investigation, my source willingly turned over the transcript as long as I promised to publish it word for word. Thus, without further ado, I give you the Giambi-Mitchell Inverview.
George Mitchell: Oh, good afternoon Jason. Come on in and sit down. Make yourself comfortable.
Jason Giambi: Thank you Senator. I …
GM: Please Jason, call me Mitchie … all my friends do.
JG: Uh, ok Mitchie. As I was saying, I want to introduce you to my attorney, Mr. Brian O’Neill, and my agent, Mr. Arn Tellem.
Arn Tellem: I just TELLEM like it is.
JG: Yeah, don’t mind him. He really likes to say that. It’s kind of his thing. Anyways …
GM: Well it is a pleasure to meet you both gentlemen, but we won’t be needing your services today. This is just going to be a little chat between Jason and I. You both can see yourselves out, and my assistant, Margery, will get you fellas anything you’d like to eat or drink. [Both O’Neill and Tellem turn and exit by the same door that they came in.]
(Blog note: I too found this more than a bit peculiar, but “Mitchie” must have used his Jedi mind tricks on them or something. Anyways, back to the talk.)
GM: There, that’s better. Can I get you anything Jason? Coffee, soda, water, protein shake? My shake is unbelievable. I’ve been drinking it for about a month now and I’ve already put on 15 pounds of muscle. Of course, I don’t “knowingly” have a clue what is actually in that thing, but ignorance is bliss, right?
JG: Uh, yeah I guess. I’m ok though, thanks.
GM: Don’t mention it. Now Jason, just to get it out of the way, I have to ask … Did you use steroids?
JG: Pardon me? I mean, um, well you know how I said … uh. Maybe we should get Brian and Art back in here.
GM: I’m just messing with you Jason. We both know you were more juiced up than a box of Hi-C. Now let’s be serious … how’d you do it? Were you getting shots in the butt from Rafael Palmeiro and Jose Canseco or did you get “The Cream” rub downs at the Barry Bonds Salon & Spa? I just have to know. Seriously, I’m just curious.
JG: Mitchie, I’m sorry but I don’t plan on discussing other players’ actions, I’m here to only talk about my own history.
GM: Jason, I won’t lie to you. This entire thing … this whole conversation … this whole probe, it’s all bullshit. Don’t kid yourself. It’s all publicity. What we’re trying to do is to appease the baseball fans out there who are screaming foul (or more importantly, asterisk) for this entire generation of ball players. What we have found is that if we appear to be trying to do something, people aren’t so angry. Just look at the All-Star Game last week. Albeit, it was in San Francisco and at AT&T Park, but the fans cheered for Bonds like he was Rocky, Pele, Willie Mays, and the Pope all wrapped into one. It was ridiculous. And it’s all because the common fan thinks that there is actually something being done about steroids in baseball. The tougher testing policy that the Commissioner instated a couple years back? What a joke? If flaxseed boy hasn’t been caught yet, but Jason Grimsley has, there is a serious flaw in the whole program. That being said, I’m just looking for a couple juicy (no pun intended) details about all this stuff. I have been all around the world but I’m still a sucker for a little controversy. I’m probably Paris Hilton’s biggest fan. I just always have to know what’s going on. As a friend, just help me out. I promise you won’t get in trouble.
(Blog note: If I were Giambi, my instinct as the youngest sibling would have immediately kicked in right here. Whenever somebody is trying to get you to admit to something by saying that they promise you won’t get in trouble, shut up! Don’t say a thing. They are lying through their teeth and you are guaranteed to get in trouble. It’s a done deal.)
JG: Well, I mean since you put it that way. Yeah, I guess I used steroids … a LOT of steroids. Pretty much every single thing I could get my hands on. HGH, The Cream, The Clear, artificial testosterone, horse tranquilizers, a touch of estrogen (you know, to make the pecs look full), andro, pretty much anything. What most people don’t know is that I was actually a pretty small kid in high school. Sure, you see me at 6-3, 235 now, but I was only 5-10, 120 when I was 18. Thank god for that “strength trainer” I met while I was at Long Beach State (a fine institution of higher learning I might add). Thanks to him, I stand before you the man that I am today, chock full of more chemicals than a high school science lab.
GM: [staring wide-eyed] Wow! Even I wasn’t expecting that much. I feel like Ron Burgundy after Baxter ate an entire wheel of cheese. I’m just amazed that you aren’t dead yet.
Bud Selig: [rushing in from a hidden door blowing a whistle] I got you! I got you! I finally got you! I knew you used steroids all along and now I have it all on tape. I’ve been waiting for this for so long.
JG: Wait, Mitchie, wait! I thought you said I wasn’t going to get in any trouble for this. I didn’t need my lawyers. It was all just informal. What the hell is going on?
GM: Oh for chrissake Bud, would you take it easy. Sorry Jason. I just told Bud that he could be here. He said it’s his duty as the Commissioner of Major League Baseball to punish violators of the substance abuse policy. Now stick out your right hand. [Giambi does so, warily] Alright, go ahead Bud.
BS: Finally! [Selig pulls a ruler out of his back pocket and slaps Giambi on the wrist three times] There, now let that be a lesson to you.
JG: Seriously?
GM: Absolutely. Did you think that we would actually suspend you? Those suspensions are only for the Grimsleys and Neifi Perezes of the world. With the Yankees in the current state that they’re in and you already on the DL, a suspension would just be the straw to break the camel’s back and good god we don’t want that (especially considering Mr. Steinbrenner would probably turn into the Hulk and crush us all). Now get out of here you juiced up knucklehead, and don’t tell anybody what happened today. Even though they think this probe is floundering, if the fans ever found out what we were up to they would probably revolt. At least they think we’re trying at this point. You have a good day now, Jason. Take it easy with the estrogen though. Your dose may be a bit high. Your pecs are looking less Stallone and more Mickelson these days … just a thought.
As you all know, Yankee slugger Jason Giambi went before former Sen. George Mitchell and his MLB-sanctioned steroids probe on Friday of last week. However, immediately following said meeting, both sides weren’t talking. It was as silent as the arena at a Sacramento Monarchs - San Antonio Silver Stars game.
Nevertheless, aided by my incredible investigative skills, I have done it! I have recovered the written transcript of Giambi’s testimony. Although Ellerman admitted to leaking the BALCO testimony as a result of the mounting pressure of the case combined with alcohol and cocaine problems (most likely fueling a hefty financial need), my source was under much less stress and helped me out solely out of what he described as boredom. Cooperating on the condition of anonymity because of his desire not to be linked to such a ludicrous investigation, my source willingly turned over the transcript as long as I promised to publish it word for word. Thus, without further ado, I give you the Giambi-Mitchell Inverview.
George Mitchell: Oh, good afternoon Jason. Come on in and sit down. Make yourself comfortable.
Jason Giambi: Thank you Senator. I …
GM: Please Jason, call me Mitchie … all my friends do.
JG: Uh, ok Mitchie. As I was saying, I want to introduce you to my attorney, Mr. Brian O’Neill, and my agent, Mr. Arn Tellem.
Arn Tellem: I just TELLEM like it is.
JG: Yeah, don’t mind him. He really likes to say that. It’s kind of his thing. Anyways …
GM: Well it is a pleasure to meet you both gentlemen, but we won’t be needing your services today. This is just going to be a little chat between Jason and I. You both can see yourselves out, and my assistant, Margery, will get you fellas anything you’d like to eat or drink. [Both O’Neill and Tellem turn and exit by the same door that they came in.]
(Blog note: I too found this more than a bit peculiar, but “Mitchie” must have used his Jedi mind tricks on them or something. Anyways, back to the talk.)
GM: There, that’s better. Can I get you anything Jason? Coffee, soda, water, protein shake? My shake is unbelievable. I’ve been drinking it for about a month now and I’ve already put on 15 pounds of muscle. Of course, I don’t “knowingly” have a clue what is actually in that thing, but ignorance is bliss, right?
JG: Uh, yeah I guess. I’m ok though, thanks.
GM: Don’t mention it. Now Jason, just to get it out of the way, I have to ask … Did you use steroids?
JG: Pardon me? I mean, um, well you know how I said … uh. Maybe we should get Brian and Art back in here.
GM: I’m just messing with you Jason. We both know you were more juiced up than a box of Hi-C. Now let’s be serious … how’d you do it? Were you getting shots in the butt from Rafael Palmeiro and Jose Canseco or did you get “The Cream” rub downs at the Barry Bonds Salon & Spa? I just have to know. Seriously, I’m just curious.
JG: Mitchie, I’m sorry but I don’t plan on discussing other players’ actions, I’m here to only talk about my own history.
GM: Jason, I won’t lie to you. This entire thing … this whole conversation … this whole probe, it’s all bullshit. Don’t kid yourself. It’s all publicity. What we’re trying to do is to appease the baseball fans out there who are screaming foul (or more importantly, asterisk) for this entire generation of ball players. What we have found is that if we appear to be trying to do something, people aren’t so angry. Just look at the All-Star Game last week. Albeit, it was in San Francisco and at AT&T Park, but the fans cheered for Bonds like he was Rocky, Pele, Willie Mays, and the Pope all wrapped into one. It was ridiculous. And it’s all because the common fan thinks that there is actually something being done about steroids in baseball. The tougher testing policy that the Commissioner instated a couple years back? What a joke? If flaxseed boy hasn’t been caught yet, but Jason Grimsley has, there is a serious flaw in the whole program. That being said, I’m just looking for a couple juicy (no pun intended) details about all this stuff. I have been all around the world but I’m still a sucker for a little controversy. I’m probably Paris Hilton’s biggest fan. I just always have to know what’s going on. As a friend, just help me out. I promise you won’t get in trouble.
(Blog note: If I were Giambi, my instinct as the youngest sibling would have immediately kicked in right here. Whenever somebody is trying to get you to admit to something by saying that they promise you won’t get in trouble, shut up! Don’t say a thing. They are lying through their teeth and you are guaranteed to get in trouble. It’s a done deal.)
JG: Well, I mean since you put it that way. Yeah, I guess I used steroids … a LOT of steroids. Pretty much every single thing I could get my hands on. HGH, The Cream, The Clear, artificial testosterone, horse tranquilizers, a touch of estrogen (you know, to make the pecs look full), andro, pretty much anything. What most people don’t know is that I was actually a pretty small kid in high school. Sure, you see me at 6-3, 235 now, but I was only 5-10, 120 when I was 18. Thank god for that “strength trainer” I met while I was at Long Beach State (a fine institution of higher learning I might add). Thanks to him, I stand before you the man that I am today, chock full of more chemicals than a high school science lab.
GM: [staring wide-eyed] Wow! Even I wasn’t expecting that much. I feel like Ron Burgundy after Baxter ate an entire wheel of cheese. I’m just amazed that you aren’t dead yet.
Bud Selig: [rushing in from a hidden door blowing a whistle] I got you! I got you! I finally got you! I knew you used steroids all along and now I have it all on tape. I’ve been waiting for this for so long.
JG: Wait, Mitchie, wait! I thought you said I wasn’t going to get in any trouble for this. I didn’t need my lawyers. It was all just informal. What the hell is going on?
GM: Oh for chrissake Bud, would you take it easy. Sorry Jason. I just told Bud that he could be here. He said it’s his duty as the Commissioner of Major League Baseball to punish violators of the substance abuse policy. Now stick out your right hand. [Giambi does so, warily] Alright, go ahead Bud.
BS: Finally! [Selig pulls a ruler out of his back pocket and slaps Giambi on the wrist three times] There, now let that be a lesson to you.
JG: Seriously?
GM: Absolutely. Did you think that we would actually suspend you? Those suspensions are only for the Grimsleys and Neifi Perezes of the world. With the Yankees in the current state that they’re in and you already on the DL, a suspension would just be the straw to break the camel’s back and good god we don’t want that (especially considering Mr. Steinbrenner would probably turn into the Hulk and crush us all). Now get out of here you juiced up knucklehead, and don’t tell anybody what happened today. Even though they think this probe is floundering, if the fans ever found out what we were up to they would probably revolt. At least they think we’re trying at this point. You have a good day now, Jason. Take it easy with the estrogen though. Your dose may be a bit high. Your pecs are looking less Stallone and more Mickelson these days … just a thought.
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