1st Annual Bison Sports Guy Draft Diary

Good evening loyal reader(s) … not really sure if anyone will actually read this, but a guy can hope can’t he? Welcome to the 1st annual Bison Sports Guy NBA Draft Diary. We’re just minutes away from the opening pick of the 2007 draft where it is believe the Portland Trailblazers will stun the world and spurn projected #1 pick Greg Oden in favor of 7’3” 225 lb. Slovenian center Marko Lekic because “he had a great workout and has a ton of upside.” Wait, no sorry. I forgot, Ainge and McHale are still working for Boston and Minnesota respectively.

Fear not Blazers fans, you’re in good hands with Kevin Pritchard. Remember Portlanders … Portlandians … Portland-people (whatever you are), Pritchard is the same guy that unloaded head case Sebastian Telfair and the monster contract of Theo Ratliff on Boston for Raef LaFrentz (no upgrade there), complementary player Dan Dickau, and the rights to the 7th overall pick in Randy Foye, only to turn around and get you future Rookie of the Year Brandon Roy from Minnesota in exchange for Foye (16.8 ppg, 4.4 rpg, 4.0 apg vs. 10.1, 2.7, 2.8). Then as if that wasn’t enough wheeling and dealing for one draft day, Pritchard traded Portland’s own 4th overall pick, Tyrus Thomas, and non-factor Viktor Khryapa to Chicago for 2nd overall pick LaMarcus Aldridge, who is often considered the player from the Class of 2006 with the most potential. All in all Blazers fans, if Pritchard can move resident nutcase Zach Randolph for even 75 cents-on-the-dollar in the next couple weeks (if not later tonight), then I guarantee that you will be a playoff team in no time and you’ll have nobody but Kevin Pritchard to thank for it.
With that being said, let’s let the draft begin!

6:55 pm: ESPN’s coverage hasn’t started and Oden’s name has yet to be called, but I want to develop some odds on the “ridiculous suit worn by a lottery selection” inevitability. You’ve got to think that Joakim Noah is going to be the prohibitive favorite (5-to-3 anyone?) in this competition, but I think there are some definite sleepers out there. I’m personally going to take longshot Spencer Hawes (at least 50-to-1) because if he shows up in anything other than a gray or black suit with a white shirt and conservative tie, he’s going to look absolutely ridiculous. What a payout this guy’s going to be.

7:03 pm: The bookmakers must be happy! As coverage just began we get our first shot of Joakim and his stylistic choice: seersucker suit, bowtie, and a fresh perm. The kid looks like he just stepped out of a time warp to the 1970’s. Gotta love draft day.

7:36 pm: Oh my God! No, my TV went out. What’s going on? David Stern was just walking up to the podium with that big grin on his face that accompanies a man who knows that he has not one but two chances to welcome rookies into his league with the potential to be one (or two) of the top players of all time.

7:37 pm: Wait … they picked Oden, right? Haha, just kidding. I could write this diary for the first two overall picks without even watching TV (even though mine actually did just come back on). I’m pretty sure if the Blazers hadn’t picked Oden and the Sonics don’t pick Durant I would be able to hear every sports fan in America simultaneously shout something along the lines of, “Are you serious? Honey, get the kids … the apocalypse is beginning.”

7:40 pm: Although I truly believe that Sam Presti will be a good GM with the Sonics, he’s already losing points on my scale because it has taken him more than 0.4 seconds to get Stern back on stage and announce Durant as their pick.

7:42 pm: I retract my previous statement. As was just reported to us, Presti wasn’t hemming and hawing about Durant, he was just busy giving the hapless Celtics a collective swirly while taking their lunch money.

This is by far the low point in Danny Ainge’s tenure. On the surface, this trade might not seem that bad. They get an All-Star shooter in Ray Allen and unload two players who are injury prone and undersized respectively while only truly having to give away the #5 pick. One small problem, all of this would’ve been true four years ago. Now, while Allen is past his prime and coming off double ankle surgery, the “undersized” Delonte West is improving drastically, and the #5 pick will likely offer the likes of Yi Jianlian, Jeff Green, Brandon Wright and countless other future stars if the C’s would have stayed put. Ainge better sleep with one eye open and the entire city of Boston needs to be put on suicide watch. Somebody call the Godfather and make sure he’s still with us.

7:48 pm: Finally! Finally Billy Knight’s strategy of drafting the best available player rather than on need pays off. I’ll admit that the Hawks have an obvious need at PG (and soon-to-be-selected Mike Conley, Jr. could have fit the bill), but Horford is definitely the best player still on the board and the Hawks will be better with him on the floor even if they have a lineup of four power forwards and Joe Johnson. Plus, they can always use the #11 pick to choose a guy like Acie Law IV (who should still be around) or shop it to a team like Toronto for Jose Calderon or Seattle for Luke Ridnour.

7:52 pm: Predictably, the Grizz go with Mike Conley, Jr. here at #4. What’s wrong with this draft though? Is Danny Ainge taking on the responsibility of all the other front offices around the league to make bad decisions? So far we have organizations going 4-for-4 making the right pick which is entirely un-NBA of all of them. Oh wait, we still have Kevin McHale and Isiah Thomas’ picks to look forward to … phew!

On a side note, for the first time since Nate Robinson was drafted in 2005, David Stern was able to look eye-to-eye with a draftee. What a nice moment for the two little guys.

7:54 pm: We just got our first, “I have great confidence in my ability” quote from Conley in his post-selection interview. Just one time, when somebody asks one of these prospects whether he thinks he can contribute right away to an NBA team, I’d love to hear something like, “You know, who the hell knows. I’ll do my best but I have no clue if I’m gonna be the next Sam Bowie or the next Michael Jordan. I do know one thing though, I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank while we find out. Thanks Mr. [insert NBA owner here].”

7:56 pm: It is now official. As the Celtics select Jeff Green out of Georgetown with the #5 pick (to promptly send to Seattle), the final nail has been slammed into the Celtics’ coffin. Celtics fans everywhere will be popping Pepcid and Xanex for the next five years as they watch Pierce’s and Allen’s legs crumble beneath them while any one of a number of players from this stacked draft class begin to dominate the league. In a dramatic change of events though, Danny Ainge has also announced that he has been in talks to trade Al Jefferson and a future No. 1 to the New Orleans Hornets for Byron Scott (not to coach but to play). The C’s could be sweet in a men’s over-40 league in just a couple years.

8:00 pm: Brief sidebar, we just got a shot of Yi Jianlian sitting in the crowd waiting be selected. Unfortunately, he looks more like an international business man rather than an international basketball star. Where the hell is Jalen Rose when you need him. Noah’s the only one pulling his weight out there.

On another note, I’m pretty sure I can SEE Yi thinking, (in Chinese) “Please don’t let it be the Bucks, Wolves, or Bobcats. Please, please, please no. I swear to God I’ll go samurai right now and give myself an honorable death by my own hand if one of those teams pick me.” (Alright, that was a slightly misguided cultural reference but I wouldn’t be surprised if Yi’s still thinking those exact thoughts.).

8:03 pm: PERFECT!! The Bucks take Yi. This is the best thing that’s happened all night. Just when I thought that Ainge was going to be the only bonehead of the night, Bucks GM Larry Harris goes and drafts a player in Yi that has said on numerous occasions that he doesn’t want to play in Milwaukee. He even went so far as to deny the Bucks access to his pre-draft workout, so what does Harris do? He drafts him anyways because his dad, Dallas Mavericks assistant coach Del Harris, happened to coach Yi on China’s national team and spoke highly of the kid. Way to do your own scouting Larry.

Hovering around a 9 on the entertainment scale already, this pick just skyrocketed to at least a 13 out of 10 when Ric Bucher described Yi as “hip hop and 50 Cent” in comparison to countryman Yao Ming. Has there ever been a more inappropriate sports-pop culture comparison? That’s like comparing Pacman Jones to a cross between Mother Theresa and Bono.

8:11 pm: Great choice. The Minnesota Timberwolves select Corey Brewer of the University of Florida. Whether he ends up playing with KG or not – if KG isn’t traded this summer, he’ll only be around for one season at the most anyways – Randy Foye and Brewer should make a nice core for the Wolves to build around. A lockdown defender with the size and speed to D-up any player from BronBron to Nash to Wade to Dirk, Brewer needs to work on his offensive repertoire but has all the tools there with which to build on. Even better, Brewer seems to truly enjoy the moment as he shakes Commissioner Stern’s hand while smiling like a kid on Christmas. At one point in his post-selection interview with Stu Scott I’m pretty sure Brewer used the word “happy” a minimum of four times in one sentence (and I’m not even sure I caught all of them). Take a note Yi … be happy with what you get.

8:18 pm: Brandon Wright becomes the 4th freshman selected tonight and the 432nd Tar Heel chosen by the hometown Bobcats in the past three years. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but not too much.

Having been on fire with his analysis all night, Jay Bilas just dropped another gem in our laps. In describing Wright’s style of play, Bilas says, “He runs the floor like a deer.” Count it! Can we officially dub all these bits of wisdom as Bilasisms? What does that even mean exactly? Does Wright gracefully prance around the court until a pair of headlights are shone on him at which point he freezes in place? If so, I think I know how NBA teams are going to defend Brandon Wright.

8:23 pm: My new favorite moment in the draft: as the Bulls are on the clock with the pick they received in the Eddy Curry trade last year, the camera shows a fan in a Bulls jersey holding a giant poster reading “Thanks Isiah.” If that wasn’t funny enough to begin with, the shot then cuts to a clinically depressed Spike Lee trying to force a smile on his face and wave to the camera as he can see another 33-49 record flash before his eyes.

8:25 pm: Seersucker suit and all, Joakim Noah just got selected by the Chicago Bulls. I feel like he and Andre 3000 have to share the same stylist. What’s even better though is checking out Noah’s fresh perm poofing out from under the crisp new Bulls hat that he just put on. He seriously looks like a 7’0” Bozo the Clown.

If I were John Paxson though, I’d be ridiculously pissed right now. What does a guy have to do to get people to believe in his vision? He’s amassed one of the best, young team in the NBA with unbelievable potential, but all the analysts have to say is how Noah doesn’t really fit their need for a post scorer. I can just see Paxson sitting in his office thinking, “F------ trust me!” Albeit, the Bulls games next year are going to be something like 46-44 and there will be more bricks thrown up by the frontcourt combo of Noah and Ben Wallace then there are in the road to Oz, but if nothing else, the Bulls should far and away lead the NBA in blocked shots next year as the ‘Fro Bros (I’m copywriting this so don’t even think about it) lead the way.

8:32 pm: Hey hey! Look at my boy Spencer Hawes. That’s a pretty conservative suit, but he may be onto something with the powder purple shirt. Do I get at least place or show position on him with my 50-to-1 bet? Unfortunately, that’s about where the good things stop for Big Spence. Just what the Kings need, another big, unathletic center. Good call. Even Bilas is reaching for things to say and one of his only positives on Hawes is that “he really understands the game.” This leads me to think, how many of these guys DON’T understand the game? Based on some of the rookies from last year’s draft, I’d be willing to wager that the vast majority actually have no clue whatsoever but that’s just me.

8:36 pm: Steven A.'s criticism is off and running. I see Spencer Hawes being the next Rasho Nesterovic for him for at least a few years. I’ve also started thinking, have you ever noticed the uncanny similarity between Steven A. Smith and Samuel L. Jackson? Both use their pretentious middle initial and neither have the ability to moderate the volume of their voices. They’re pretty much interchangeable. I just started laughing as I thought about the Chappelle Show skit for Samuel Jackson beer:
SAMUEL JACKSON (Chappelle, dressed in colonial style costume a la Samuel Adams and shouting): How’s it taste motherf-----?
PATRON: Could you please stop yelling at me?
SAMUEL JACKSON: No, I can't stop yelling, 'cause that's how I talk! Haven't you seen my movies?

8:38 pm: Acie Law IV goes to the Atlanta Hawks in an uncharacteristic need pick for Billy Knight. My odds on money was with Josh McRoberts just because the Hawks already have a plethora of 4’s so I figured Knight would think they could use at least one more. In Bilas’ analysis, Law can’t defend, shoot, or beat you off the dribble. All good signs really. To be honest, I think Law will be one of those players with all the right intangibles that will make him a good NBA player without all the physical assets. As Mark Jackson noted, he’s a gamer. Plus, he’s got to have one of the best names in the history of the draft. I can just see the headlines after a big game now … ‘Laying Down The Law’ or ‘Long Arm Of The Law.’ It’s just too easy. I could go on for days.

8:46 pm: After the ESPN crew covering the draft talked for about 5 minutes about how the Sixers had to choose size here and get someone who could beef up their front court, Billy King (not to be confused with Hawks GM Billy Knight who actually appears to know what he’s doing this year) channeled his inner Danny Ainge and took Georgia Tech swingman Thaddeus Young. With a name like that, I feel like he should be in the antebellum south sipping on a mint julep and tending to the plantation.

8:50 pm: Video conference with Billy Knight who claims to be “happy with the guys we got” (despite passing on a chance to land All-Star Amare Stoudemire via trade earlier in the week). Given the fact that he looks like he’s been on a 6-day bender, I have a bit of trouble believing him.

8:52 pm: Mark my words, Julian Wright at #13 is hands down the steal of the draft. When he wins the Rookie of the Year next year playing under Byron Scott and alongside playmaker extraordinaire Chris Paul, you will all remember that you read this here first. I’m just warning you now. Even Steven A. is a fan, and he endorses Wright with the resounding “If Mehmet Okur can play in the NBA…” If that’s not support, I don’t know what is.

On a side note, Dickie V just predicted that at least 10 rookies are going to average in double figures from such a stacked draft class this year. I’m sorry, I’ve been resisting this joke all night but this time it’s just too easy … Janet Gretzky. Paging Janet Gretzky. Can we get some odds on this?

8:58 pm: Another steal at the tail end of the lottery, Al Thornton has the athleticism to contribute right away. That’s especially important for the Clips because Thornton will be retiring and collecting social security in a few years. This guy is older than Thaddeus Young sounds like he should be. Also, is anybody else bothered by the fact that the first ‘n’ isn’t pronounced in his name? It should be ThorNNNNton, not Thorton. It’s driving me nuts.

Alright everyone, with the vast majority of the quality prospects off the board and the likes of Daequan Cook and Tiago Splitter coming up, I’ve decided to split (Oh lord, I slay myself). I’m sure there will be more events over the course of this draft that will make me scratch my head and try to figure out if Danny Ainge had been impersonating another GM, but for now I’m off like a prom dress to collect my money on Spencer Hawes’ purple shirt. The style in this draft class was so weak that I’ve just been informed that Hawes showed directly behind the incomparable Joakim Noah and the other surprise of the night, USC’s Nick Young and his white blazer. Way to pay off big guy!