Sports Withdrawal Depression Syndrome

Yesterday, it was reported that there was an excess about of males ages 10-100 that visited the hospital. They all had the same complaint of feeling down and lethargic, symptoms which had hit each patient in the morning and worsened throughout the day. I too was suffering from similar symptoms, and I had no conceivable explanation for what was ailing me. Was I going to be alright? Why do I feel depressed? What’s going on?

I was so nervous about what was happening to me and the rest of my the male population, that I decided to be proactive and call my doctor. I asked him what he thought it could be (Doctor, Doctor … tell me the news). He started talking in medical jargon, which immediately left me light years behind (I swear they do this on purpose to make sure you know they went to years and years of school more than I have).

Then the bad news came like a ton of bricks.

He said I most likely am suffering from Sports Withdrawal Depression Syndrome (SWDS), also known as Bummed Fans Disease (“Ya man, I’m struggling. I’ve got Bummed Fans.”). “How could this be happening to me?” I was perfectly fine on Tuesday, but this just hit me all of a sudden. Then my doctor explained that this is common among men my age (or any age for that matter). On the Wednesday after the MLB All Star Game a sudden void descends upon the sports world and we are sucked into the vacuum left behind. Tragically, this is the only day without a professional sporting event in the entire country, and my doctor explained to me that this lack of sports leads to a chemical imbalance causing SWDS. Apparently, when you wake up, you look forward to being able to get off work and watch your favorite team compete. Well on this Wednesday, when you realize the truth that there is no game to watch, the natural chemical processes in your brain cease and you immediately descend into a funk.

Upon getting the bad news, I immediately asked my doctor how I could treat Bummed Fans and whether or not I will ever feel normal again soon. He said that I was one of the lucky ones since I live in Boston and tomorrow I can watch my beloved Red Sox and I will be good as new in no time. Unfortunately, those suffering from SWDS in Tampa Bay, Kansas City, and Memphis are not so lucky. They will not be able to overcome this terrible disease for months, if not years. You see, they are not lucky enough to have a competitive team in the area until the NFL season or worse (see: Memphis).

I would like to now call on all sports fans to unite so none of our fellow brethren ever have to suffer from Bummed Fans again. I have learned first hand what a terrible disease SWDS is to live with, and I want to try to eliminate it even in places as remote as Helena, Montana. So here is my solution to combat SWDS…

We shall recognize the Wednesday after the MLB ASG as a national holiday because no sports fan could effectively work anyways with the doom and gloom of “Black Wednesday” looming. This national holiday shall be called National Sports Movie Day. This day will unite all sports fans and will make sure there is no withdrawal of high-intensity action any day of the year. Movie theaters would show classic sports movies all day long free of charge and all sports movie rentals would also be free on this dreadful day. So here are my suggestions for the 5 movies I would watch on National Sports Movie Day (in watching order)…

1. Remember the Titans – This one is an action packed and motivational flick that will just never get old. You’ll be singing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” all day.

2. Tin Cup – I believe this is one of the most underrated sports movies. It just doesn’t get the respect it deserves. Who cares if Tin Cup blows the US Open, he got that shot over the water finally and got the girl.

3. Rudy – I am that unathletic small player on my team, so I can relate first hand. Thank you Rudy, you brown-nosing do-gooder you. RUDY, RUDY, RUDY!

4. Rocky IV – While any Rocky movie can be inserted here, Rocky IV is particularly inspirational because not only does Balboa win the match and avenge Apollo’s death, he is also able to end the Cold War by beating Drago in this classic boxing flick. Enough said.

5. Field of Dreams – This is my favorite sports movie ever made. What’s better than a son playing catch with his Dad?

So I call on all of you to grab your favorite sports movies and closest sports fans next year on National Sports Movie Day. Never again will there be a Bummed Fan on Black Wednesday. Together we can eliminate SWDS forever.