Bottom Half of the Bracket - Who's in Trouble

Barry Bonds vs. The Sport of Cycling

This match-up features the center of the steroids scandal in the United States and the center of the doping scandal in France. Last summer, the winner of the Tour de France, Floyd Landis, tested positive twice for high levels of testosterone which now has his victory in question. The French have been down Americans throats about doping by its cyclists for the past decade with Lance Armstrong. Now with stronger testing standards, every cyclist has tested positive for some sort of drug this summer en route to the Champs Elysee. By the time this race is over, Pierre the 12 year old Paris native, who was biking home from the Eiffel Tower, will be crowned champion of this illustrious race as every professional cyclist will have been disqualified. European sponsors of the event have been pulling out and there may not be enough competitors next year to continue this event.

On this side of the pond, Hank Aaron’s record 755 home runs are under attack by media friendly Barry Bonds. Bonds has said he has never knowingly used steroids. Who actually believes him? Remember when he was playing for the Pittsburg Pirates and was skinny and fast? If you don’t since it was many years ago and it’s hard to image him not the behemoth he is now, here’s a picture as a reminder. As of right now, Bonds has not hit number 755 in LA. But if and when he does, he may want to take cover as he rounds the base path. His teammates are trying to plead his case to the Dodger fans to appreciate the moment because they too are afraid what the fans may do after the syringe throwing incident in San Diego.

In this tight affair, Bonds bulked up just a bit more than the cyclists and was able to muscle his way through to the victory. Unfortunately, in the drug testing effort in this competition Bonds tested positive for HGH and horse tranquilizers, but to win this event it takes that dedication so you’re moving on Barry.

Trouble Maker: Bonds

Michael Vick vs. Mike Nifong

Michael Vick wins this match-up by mercy rule as Nifong screams uncle. Nifong lost his job and was disbarred for lying and falsifying evidence as the DA in the Duke Lacrosse case. That doesn’t seem so bad when you consider what Vick is going through. Vick may eventually lose his job, be sent to jail, and has the crazy people of PETA making a fool of him, as well as losing his endorsements and jersey and merchandise sales. To add to his misery, one of his co-defendants pleaded out and will most likely testify against Vick in his federal dog fighting trail. It comes down to one simple fact right now, “You don’t want to be Michael Vick!” This one was over after the opening statements (Luckily, Nifong was not giving them).

Trouble Maker: Vick

The first round is now complete. Please stay tuned later this week for the exciting events of the second round. Here are the match-ups if you forgot.

Tim Donaghy vs. Pacman Jones

Barry Bonds vs. Michael Vick

See who advances to the finals!

Top Half of the Bracket - Who's in Trouble

Tim Donaghy vs. David Stern

This match-up stages the dirty rotten scoundrel in the NBA and the person who must clean up the mess he left the league in. Donaghy left the entire credibility of the NBA in doubt now. Since he has left everyone must now question what could have happened in the playoffs if he hadn’t officiated Game 3 of the Spurs/Suns series. There will now always be the suspicion of cheating when an official makes a questionable call late in a playoff game. David Stern now has the problem of cleaning up this issue however. During his press conference about the entire issue, he was for once left speechless, which was something we didn’t think was possible from Stern after the Dan Patrick fiasco. How will Stern bring back the credibility to a league where fans are dwindling and ticket prices continue to rise? While Stern has this problem ahead of him, Donaghy has lost his job, received death threats, is being investigated by federal agents, and most likely has the mob after him. While Stern may be in for a long problem with the current state of the NBA, Donaghy has major issues now which will allow him to pull away late in the 4^th quarter of this game.

Trouble Maker: Donaghy

Pacman Jones vs. The Cincinnati Bengals

Here comes the tough question with this match-up. Would you rather have a bunch of players on your team getting in half-serious trouble or one player getting in a lot of trouble often? The Bengals have had 1/5^th of their roster arrested for various charges over the past 2 seasons. DUI after DUI actually for these bad news bears (actually Bengals for that matter). The city of Cincinnati may want to give this team the George Best treatment. For those of you who don’t know, Manchester United star George Best had a wee-bit of a drinking problem that got so bad that every bar in his local area put up signs that read, “Do not serve George Best,” in an attempt to save his liver. Cincinnati might have this in their best interest before anything happens to their franchise players Carson Palmer and Ocho Cinco. On the other side of this match-up the Tennessee Titans are stuck dealing with the legal issues of Pacman Jones. Jones and his entourage have gone as far as to make terrible headlines in Sin City itself. Jones has also found encounters with the law on multiple other occasions and now has himself banned from the entire NFL season. Pacman has become enemy #1 of Roger Goddell. Congrats Pacman, you’re season long suspension has gotten you called down to the principal’s office again and allowed you to intercept the award for most time spent in the back of a police car from the Bengals.

Trouble Maker: Pacman

There you have it. The top half of the bracket has been decided and Tim Donaghy will meet up with Pacman Jones in the second round. Tune in tomorrow where we will see who has the will to come through in the bottom half of the bracket.

Who's in Trouble

To go along with ESPN's Who's Now segment, Bison Sports Guys are proud to announce Who's in Trouble. This week we will feature our 8 player bracket of who's in the most trouble. After what is arguably the ugliest week in the world of sports, we will disect the ins and outs of the image problems, credibility issues, bouts with the law, and finacial woes of professional sports' figures. We have devised this bracket and purposely put in fun match-ups that you will be able to discuss and argue with fellow blog readers at the water cooler as to who's in the most trouble these days. Each day we will pick a winner (loser) in each match-up and they will advance in our ultra competitive competetion.

So without further suspense, here are the first round match-ups...

Tim Donaghy vs. David Stern

Pacman Jones vs. The Cincinnati Bengals

Barry Bonds vs. The Sport of Cycling

Michael Vick vs. Mike Nifong

Let us know your thoughts and opinions on the match-ups and see who will be crowned the most likely to recieve a time out and forced to sit in the corner.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

The News of All News

The SWDS is gone! I woke up this morning to a great article by the Godfather himself. If you haven’t read it, it’s a must read and goes deep into the trouble the NBA has gotten itself into. Here’s the link.

Now for the News of all News though. The Red Sox have announced that they are calling up left-hander Jon Lester from AAA Pawtucket to start against the Indians Monday night. I have been waiting to hear that news since April now and Theo Epstein has been teasing me this entire time by leaving him in the minors while I’ve had to watch Julian Tavarez be the 5^th starter. Lester is one of the future stars of the Red Sox rotation after he pitched himself to a 7-2 record last season before being diagnosised with cancer. After recovering from this, tomorrow night should be an emotional time when he first steps on the mound at Jacobs Field. He’s had a long road back and hopefully he will be able to continue the success he had last season.

He has been missed this season as a great left handed pitch in the middle of the rotation (although Kason Gabbard has been pitching great as of late). The great left handed pitcher is such a rare commodity in the MLB. If I ever have a left handed son (scary thought having my gene pool in this world), the first thing he will learn is how to throw a nasty breaking ball. I may push this kid a little too hard to become a major league pitcher but he will appreciate it when he makes the majors and receives the MLB contract, which by that point could be up to $50 dollars with Scott Boras continuing his bottom feeding ways.

His return has me pumped about the future of the Red Sox rotation too. Just look at what the Red Sox could throw at American League foes in the next couple of years…

Josh Beckett
Daisuke Matsuzaka
Jon Lester
Clay Buchholz
Kason Gabbard

That somehow could be a better rotation than the Red Sox have right now. I get goose bumps looking at that rotation. The best part is that these guys are young and we could have those 5 pitching for the Red Sox for the next decade.

Good luck Jon in Cleveland! All of Red Sox Nation is behind you.

Shumania’s “I’m-bored-and-have-nothing-to-do” Ramblings

I’m in the mood to ramble since I am in my house all alone and it would be weird to ramble out loud so I’ll put it in writing instead for all of you to enjoy my thoughts.

First off, I would like to apologize to our readers for the lack of reading material recently. I have been getting over my case of Bummed Fans and it has been lingering around longer than I would have liked. The Godfather’s news of him writing less frequently for the next couple months did not help and what he has been writing has just been a tease for more of his humor we all know and love. Please come back Godfather; none of your fans can actually read a whole book anyways. The other issue that has kept my Bummed Fans around is the Red Sox current slide. I thought Kasson Gabbard’s complete game, 3- hit shutout would cheer me up but losing two out of three to the lowly Kansas City Royals certainly did not help.

Next up, the Chinese government chastised Yao Ming this week for showing up late to the National Team’s training camp. His reasoning was that he was helping his soon-to-be wife with wedding plans. The Chinese governments official statement about the situation was, in a loose Chinese translation, “Don’t mess with China!” I can’t imagine other NBA stars being treated by their national government like the Chinese treat Yao Ming. I just don’t see current Rocket teammate Steve Francis staying quiet when George W. belittles him for not playing with the National Team. Francis would probably demand more money or a buyout from the USA. Yao will learn eventually the capitalistic ways and stand up to the red army sooner or later.

Staying in the NBA, Kevin Durant signed his first shoe deal with Nike for $60 million dollars. To take this deal he had to turn down a $70 million deal from Adidas citing that he has been wearing Nike since he was in the 8th grade and felt more comfortable in Nikes. While Durant may not be a great business man turning down an extra $10 million (Remember he only went to one year of college and it’s doubtful he ever went to class), he is a smart basketball player. He stayed with the shoe he’s going to play well in, and in the end he will make many millions more in the future when he becomes the face of the NBA with Lebron and D-Wade.

Lastly, the British Open started yesterday at Carnoustie. Before we mention anymore, lets just say the name Jean van de Velde and laugh. Ok, now that I have the image of him in the water with his pants rolled up making a fool of himself and losing the Open we can move on. However yesterday, we had John Daly doing his best van de Velde impression (only at least he didn’t save his implosion until the last hole). Through 11 holes, Daly was 5-under getting an eagle from the fairway on the 11th. Then, he must have realized he bet against himself shooting under par in any of the 2 rounds he will play this weekend, or at the very least, found a cart girl on the 12th and proceeded to shotgun a case of beers, because he then shot 8-over par the rest of the round finishing up with a +3 (74).

In maintaining our Open coverage, Tiger (who is the only player anyone really cares about) shot a respectable 2-under par. This round will be known as the TV cable drop, however, with an interesting chain of events occurring on the 10th hole, with Tiger receiving a controversial drop from TV cables. If Tiger goes on to win his 13th major, that drop will be remembered and scrutinized by the British media and others for years to come. Tiger is chasing Sergio Garcia, who is looking for his first major victory of his career. It would be nice to see these two in the final pairing on Sunday though and see this rivalry renewed, since it was so close to being great after the historic back nine at the 1999 PGA Championship between the two. Now, Tiger has had to start a rivalry with Roger Federer (Great Nike Commerical by the way), who doesn’t even play golf. Sadly enough, despite this little oversight, Federer is actually the closest thing to resembling a rival that Tiger can find. So, hopefully on Sunday we will be able to see some exciting moments down the stretch between these two and others. Who knows, maybe there is a new van de Velde just waiting for his moment of infamy.

That’s about it for now. I could go on all night, but I’ve at least staved off my boredom for a little while. I’ll save more of my ramblings for another rainy day.

Over and out from the one and only Shumania.

The Talk

First off, I want to apologize to my loyal reader for such a prolonged absence. The research I put into this article took a bit longer than I had previously hoped. With Troy Ellerman (the guy who leaked the BALCO investigation testimony to the San Francisco Chronicle) getting sentenced to 2 ½ years in prison last week for his actions in that scandal, people around the steroids investigations have been decidedly more tight-lipped. That being said, you would be surprised what a few palms greased with some flaxseed oil can get you.

As you all know, Yankee slugger Jason Giambi went before former Sen. George Mitchell and his MLB-sanctioned steroids probe on Friday of last week. However, immediately following said meeting, both sides weren’t talking. It was as silent as the arena at a Sacramento Monarchs - San Antonio Silver Stars game.

Nevertheless, aided by my incredible investigative skills, I have done it! I have recovered the written transcript of Giambi’s testimony. Although Ellerman admitted to leaking the BALCO testimony as a result of the mounting pressure of the case combined with alcohol and cocaine problems (most likely fueling a hefty financial need), my source was under much less stress and helped me out solely out of what he described as boredom. Cooperating on the condition of anonymity because of his desire not to be linked to such a ludicrous investigation, my source willingly turned over the transcript as long as I promised to publish it word for word. Thus, without further ado, I give you the Giambi-Mitchell Inverview.

George Mitchell: Oh, good afternoon Jason. Come on in and sit down. Make yourself comfortable.

Jason Giambi: Thank you Senator. I …

GM: Please Jason, call me Mitchie … all my friends do.

JG: Uh, ok Mitchie. As I was saying, I want to introduce you to my attorney, Mr. Brian O’Neill, and my agent, Mr. Arn Tellem.

Arn Tellem: I just TELLEM like it is.

JG: Yeah, don’t mind him. He really likes to say that. It’s kind of his thing. Anyways …

GM: Well it is a pleasure to meet you both gentlemen, but we won’t be needing your services today. This is just going to be a little chat between Jason and I. You both can see yourselves out, and my assistant, Margery, will get you fellas anything you’d like to eat or drink. [Both O’Neill and Tellem turn and exit by the same door that they came in.]

(Blog note: I too found this more than a bit peculiar, but “Mitchie” must have used his Jedi mind tricks on them or something. Anyways, back to the talk.)

GM: There, that’s better. Can I get you anything Jason? Coffee, soda, water, protein shake? My shake is unbelievable. I’ve been drinking it for about a month now and I’ve already put on 15 pounds of muscle. Of course, I don’t “knowingly” have a clue what is actually in that thing, but ignorance is bliss, right?

JG: Uh, yeah I guess. I’m ok though, thanks.

GM: Don’t mention it. Now Jason, just to get it out of the way, I have to ask … Did you use steroids?

JG: Pardon me? I mean, um, well you know how I said … uh. Maybe we should get Brian and Art back in here.

GM: I’m just messing with you Jason. We both know you were more juiced up than a box of Hi-C. Now let’s be serious … how’d you do it? Were you getting shots in the butt from Rafael Palmeiro and Jose Canseco or did you get “The Cream” rub downs at the Barry Bonds Salon & Spa? I just have to know. Seriously, I’m just curious.

JG: Mitchie, I’m sorry but I don’t plan on discussing other players’ actions, I’m here to only talk about my own history.

GM: Jason, I won’t lie to you. This entire thing … this whole conversation … this whole probe, it’s all bullshit. Don’t kid yourself. It’s all publicity. What we’re trying to do is to appease the baseball fans out there who are screaming foul (or more importantly, asterisk) for this entire generation of ball players. What we have found is that if we appear to be trying to do something, people aren’t so angry. Just look at the All-Star Game last week. Albeit, it was in San Francisco and at AT&T Park, but the fans cheered for Bonds like he was Rocky, Pele, Willie Mays, and the Pope all wrapped into one. It was ridiculous. And it’s all because the common fan thinks that there is actually something being done about steroids in baseball. The tougher testing policy that the Commissioner instated a couple years back? What a joke? If flaxseed boy hasn’t been caught yet, but Jason Grimsley has, there is a serious flaw in the whole program. That being said, I’m just looking for a couple juicy (no pun intended) details about all this stuff. I have been all around the world but I’m still a sucker for a little controversy. I’m probably Paris Hilton’s biggest fan. I just always have to know what’s going on. As a friend, just help me out. I promise you won’t get in trouble.

(Blog note: If I were Giambi, my instinct as the youngest sibling would have immediately kicked in right here. Whenever somebody is trying to get you to admit to something by saying that they promise you won’t get in trouble, shut up! Don’t say a thing. They are lying through their teeth and you are guaranteed to get in trouble. It’s a done deal.)

JG: Well, I mean since you put it that way. Yeah, I guess I used steroids … a LOT of steroids. Pretty much every single thing I could get my hands on. HGH, The Cream, The Clear, artificial testosterone, horse tranquilizers, a touch of estrogen (you know, to make the pecs look full), andro, pretty much anything. What most people don’t know is that I was actually a pretty small kid in high school. Sure, you see me at 6-3, 235 now, but I was only 5-10, 120 when I was 18. Thank god for that “strength trainer” I met while I was at Long Beach State (a fine institution of higher learning I might add). Thanks to him, I stand before you the man that I am today, chock full of more chemicals than a high school science lab.

GM: [staring wide-eyed] Wow! Even I wasn’t expecting that much. I feel like Ron Burgundy after Baxter ate an entire wheel of cheese. I’m just amazed that you aren’t dead yet.

Bud Selig: [rushing in from a hidden door blowing a whistle] I got you! I got you! I finally got you! I knew you used steroids all along and now I have it all on tape. I’ve been waiting for this for so long.

JG: Wait, Mitchie, wait! I thought you said I wasn’t going to get in any trouble for this. I didn’t need my lawyers. It was all just informal. What the hell is going on?

GM: Oh for chrissake Bud, would you take it easy. Sorry Jason. I just told Bud that he could be here. He said it’s his duty as the Commissioner of Major League Baseball to punish violators of the substance abuse policy. Now stick out your right hand. [Giambi does so, warily] Alright, go ahead Bud.

BS: Finally! [Selig pulls a ruler out of his back pocket and slaps Giambi on the wrist three times] There, now let that be a lesson to you.

JG: Seriously?

GM: Absolutely. Did you think that we would actually suspend you? Those suspensions are only for the Grimsleys and Neifi Perezes of the world. With the Yankees in the current state that they’re in and you already on the DL, a suspension would just be the straw to break the camel’s back and good god we don’t want that (especially considering Mr. Steinbrenner would probably turn into the Hulk and crush us all). Now get out of here you juiced up knucklehead, and don’t tell anybody what happened today. Even though they think this probe is floundering, if the fans ever found out what we were up to they would probably revolt. At least they think we’re trying at this point. You have a good day now, Jason. Take it easy with the estrogen though. Your dose may be a bit high. Your pecs are looking less Stallone and more Mickelson these days … just a thought.

Sports Withdrawal Depression Syndrome

Yesterday, it was reported that there was an excess about of males ages 10-100 that visited the hospital. They all had the same complaint of feeling down and lethargic, symptoms which had hit each patient in the morning and worsened throughout the day. I too was suffering from similar symptoms, and I had no conceivable explanation for what was ailing me. Was I going to be alright? Why do I feel depressed? What’s going on?

I was so nervous about what was happening to me and the rest of my the male population, that I decided to be proactive and call my doctor. I asked him what he thought it could be (Doctor, Doctor … tell me the news). He started talking in medical jargon, which immediately left me light years behind (I swear they do this on purpose to make sure you know they went to years and years of school more than I have).

Then the bad news came like a ton of bricks.

He said I most likely am suffering from Sports Withdrawal Depression Syndrome (SWDS), also known as Bummed Fans Disease (“Ya man, I’m struggling. I’ve got Bummed Fans.”). “How could this be happening to me?” I was perfectly fine on Tuesday, but this just hit me all of a sudden. Then my doctor explained that this is common among men my age (or any age for that matter). On the Wednesday after the MLB All Star Game a sudden void descends upon the sports world and we are sucked into the vacuum left behind. Tragically, this is the only day without a professional sporting event in the entire country, and my doctor explained to me that this lack of sports leads to a chemical imbalance causing SWDS. Apparently, when you wake up, you look forward to being able to get off work and watch your favorite team compete. Well on this Wednesday, when you realize the truth that there is no game to watch, the natural chemical processes in your brain cease and you immediately descend into a funk.

Upon getting the bad news, I immediately asked my doctor how I could treat Bummed Fans and whether or not I will ever feel normal again soon. He said that I was one of the lucky ones since I live in Boston and tomorrow I can watch my beloved Red Sox and I will be good as new in no time. Unfortunately, those suffering from SWDS in Tampa Bay, Kansas City, and Memphis are not so lucky. They will not be able to overcome this terrible disease for months, if not years. You see, they are not lucky enough to have a competitive team in the area until the NFL season or worse (see: Memphis).

I would like to now call on all sports fans to unite so none of our fellow brethren ever have to suffer from Bummed Fans again. I have learned first hand what a terrible disease SWDS is to live with, and I want to try to eliminate it even in places as remote as Helena, Montana. So here is my solution to combat SWDS…

We shall recognize the Wednesday after the MLB ASG as a national holiday because no sports fan could effectively work anyways with the doom and gloom of “Black Wednesday” looming. This national holiday shall be called National Sports Movie Day. This day will unite all sports fans and will make sure there is no withdrawal of high-intensity action any day of the year. Movie theaters would show classic sports movies all day long free of charge and all sports movie rentals would also be free on this dreadful day. So here are my suggestions for the 5 movies I would watch on National Sports Movie Day (in watching order)…

1. Remember the Titans – This one is an action packed and motivational flick that will just never get old. You’ll be singing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” all day.

2. Tin Cup – I believe this is one of the most underrated sports movies. It just doesn’t get the respect it deserves. Who cares if Tin Cup blows the US Open, he got that shot over the water finally and got the girl.

3. Rudy – I am that unathletic small player on my team, so I can relate first hand. Thank you Rudy, you brown-nosing do-gooder you. RUDY, RUDY, RUDY!

4. Rocky IV – While any Rocky movie can be inserted here, Rocky IV is particularly inspirational because not only does Balboa win the match and avenge Apollo’s death, he is also able to end the Cold War by beating Drago in this classic boxing flick. Enough said.

5. Field of Dreams – This is my favorite sports movie ever made. What’s better than a son playing catch with his Dad?

So I call on all of you to grab your favorite sports movies and closest sports fans next year on National Sports Movie Day. Never again will there be a Bummed Fan on Black Wednesday. Together we can eliminate SWDS forever.

Top 25, 25 And Under

$41.5212 M. That’s all it would take to fill out a roster for the Top 25 Major League baseball players 25 years old or younger. That figure would make this team the 5th lowest paid team in the entire league, leading only the Pirates, Nationals, Marlins, and Devil Rays as the most financially frugal teams in the bigs. And good lord what $41.5212 M can buy you these days.

Below you will find the Bison Sports Guys’ MLB Top 25, 25 and Under. This team is constructed much like the All-Star teams that will be featured in tonight’s 78th annual midsummer classic, with the obvious catch being the age qualifier. Interestingly enough, twelve of these young guns are all-star talents already having been named to their respective leagues’ squads either this year or in years past. For such a youthful team, having nearly half the individuals already be all-star caliber players is quite a feat

On an interesting side note, the starting lineup has a distinctly balanced feel to it with four righties, four lefties, and one switch hitter. In fact, going 1-9 through the batting order, our 25 and under all stars would bat S, L, R, L, R, L, R, L, R with power, speed, and contact guys up and down the lineup. Try pitching around this group.

So, without further ado, we give you the Top 25 players under 25 years old. In addition, we’ve also included an Honorable Mention and Keep Dreaming list to give you an idea of who else is out there. Let the debate begin.

LINEUP:
Jose Reyes, SS (NYM)
Grady Sizemore, CF (CLE)
David Wright, 3B (NYM)
Prince Fielder, 1B (MIL)
Miguel Cabrera, DH (FLA)
Joe Mauer, C (MIN)
Jeff Francoeur, RF (ATL)
Carl Crawford, LF (TB)
Dustin Pedroia, 2B (BOS)
--------------------------------------
Russell Martin, C (LAD)
Hanley Ramirez, SS (FLA)
Hunter Pence, OF (HOU)
Nick Markakis, OF (BAL)

STAFF:
1. Justin Verlander, RHP (DET)
2. Felix Hernandez, RHP (SEA)
3. Dontrelle Willis, LHP (FLA)
4. Matt Cain, RHP (SF)
5. Cole Hamels, LHP (PHI)
--------------------------------------
o Scott Kazmir, LHP (TB)
o Phil Hughes, RHP (NYY)
o Jeremy Bonderman, RHP (DET)
o James Shields, RHP (TB)
o Brendan Morrow, RHP (SEA)
o Joel Zumaya, RHP (DET)
o Chad Cordero, RHP (WAS)

HONORABLE MENTION:
Ryan Braun 3B (MIL), Melky Cabrera OF (NYY), Fausto Carmona RHP (CLE), Stephen Drew SS (ARI), Adrian Gonzales 1B (SD), Tom Gorzelanny LHP (PIT), JJ Hardy SS (MIL), Howie Kendrick 2B (LAA), Jon Lester LHP (BOS), Tim Lincecum RHP (SF), Francisco Liriano LHP (MIN), James Loney 1B (LAD), Brian McCann C (ATL), Lastings Milledge OF (NYM), Ian Snell RHP (PIT), Mark Teahen OF (KC), Troy Tulowitzki SS (COL), BJ Upton 2B (TB), Delmon Young OF (TB), Ryan Zimmerman 3B (WAS)

KEEP DREAMING:

Homer Bailey RHP (CIN), Yuniesky Betancourt SS (SEA), Chad Billingsley RHP (LAD), Tyler Clippard RHP (NYY), Zach Duke RHP (PIT), Matt Garza RHP (MIN), Zack Greinke RHP (KC), Ian Kinsler 2B (TEX), Andy LaRoche 3B (LAD), Brandon McCarthy RHP (TEX), Andy Marte 3B (CLE), Cla Meredith RHP (SD), Andrew Miller LHP (DET), Felix Pie OF (CHC), Jarrod Saltalamacchia C (ATL), Ervin Santana RHP (LAA), Jeremy Sowers LHP (CLE), Willy Tavares OF (COL), Adam Wainwright RHP (STL), Rickie Weeks 2B (MIL)

Oh, Sweet Irony

Texas. The Lone Star State. The land of cowboys, The Alamo, ten-gallon hats, George W. Bush, country music, and … Tony Parker?

Wait, what?

Do I have that right?

In the same state where high school football stars are revered as gods and bumper stickers read, “There are two types of people. Those who are from Texas and those who wish they were,” a Belgian-born Frenchman has seized the public’s attention and won its adoration. As the saying goes, “Everything is bigger in Texas,” and that certainly applies to Parker’s popularity.

Nevertheless, this is also the same state where the vast majority of people believe that the French should still be thanking us that their national language isn’t German, and where I’m willing to bet that if you were to ask any given Texan what the colors of the French flag are and how the French welcome foreign dignitaries, you would inevitably get the run-of-the-mill responses of, “White” and “With both hands up.” Although not overwhelmingly original, these answers are, nonetheless, ingrained in the culture down where the state motto is not something symbolic like the French declaration, “Liberté, égalité, fraternité” (Liberty, equality, fraternity), but rather simply, “Don’t mess with Texas.”

So how can all this be? How can the people of Texas so overwhelmingly embrace the diminutive French guard with a penchant for blowing past opposing defenders and deftly finishing in the lane amongst the trees? To understand the entire truth, one must go back to the beginning when Parker broke into the NBA in 2001.

Coming on the heels of leading the French under-20 national team to a European championship in 2000, Parker was selected 28th overall in the 2001 NBA Draft (after the likes of Kirk Haston, Jeryl Sasser, and Joe Forte. Please forgive me Godfather. I don’t mean to dredge up the painful past, but Forte is a necessary example to prove how much of a steal Parker was at #28). In his rookie campaign, TP notched per game averages of 9.2 points, 4.3 assists, and 2.6 rebounds and garnered All-Rookie First Team honors en route to helping the Spurs win their second NBA championship in four years. Let the Tony-Texas love affair begin.

Combining his lightning-like athleticism with an unrelenting will to succeed (Parker once told French junior national team coach Claude Bergaude, “Coach, I'll play in the NBA and, one day, France will recognize me as a great player.”), Parker has cultivated one of the most odd player-fan base symbiotic relationships in recent professional sports history. The Frenchman once named in People’s 50 Most Beautiful People and recently interviewed and photographed in a GQ spread is seemingly the antithesis of a star that the down home Texas fan base would hitch their hemis to. To quote the timeless Rob Schneider in Big Daddy, “They go together like lamb and tuna fish.”

Nevertheless, after what was arguably his best season in 2006-2007 and an NBA Finals MVP earned after dominating every player the hapless Cleveland Cavaliers threw at him, this relationship is stronger than ever. All around San Antonio you can find children and adults of all ages donning their fresh No. 9 black and silver jerseys and flowing into the AT&T Center to catch the next TP masterpiece.

In fact, one must look no further than Parker’s personal relationship with Corpus Christi, TX native and avid Spurs fan Eva Longoria. Parker and the TV actress/international bombshell were married over the weekend in a lavish, three part affair in France that moved from a civil ceremony conducted by the mayor of Paris to a 17th century Parisian church for the formal ceremony to a lavish reception at the beautiful chateau Vaux-le-Vicomte. Among the guests were French soccer star Thierry Henry and fellow Housewives Teri Hatcher, Nicolette Sheridan, and Felicity Huffman. All in all, not a bad way to spend the weekend.

So, in the end I think you could say that Tony Parker has it pretty good. Against seemingly conventional wisdom, the state of Texas has embraced their French star (who, by the way, is most likely embracing one of the most beautiful women in the world at this very moment), and the future looks just as bright. If I could trade lives with any sports star right now, I would be very hard pressed to think of anyone that that I would want to be more than Parker. Call it a man crush or what you will, but I certainly wouldn’t mind hoisting an NBA Championship and Finals MVP one day, then marrying The Hottest Woman on Earth (Maxim said so last year so it must be true) just a few weeks later.

C’est magnifique.

Questionable Decisions

When someone mentions the name Grant Hill to me, two things come to mind. The first is the football-style inbound pass to Christian Laettner against Kentucky in the 1992 NCAA Regional Finals. That play is arguably the most famous (or infamous if you’re Wildcats fan) in NCAA history and watching the replay will never get old. While Laettner gets the credit for that shot, he would never have been able to get it off without the precision pass from Hill. And to top it all off, nothing can beat Thomas Hill’s blubbering like a little school girl after Laettner’s shot dropped.

The second thing that comes to mind is his 1994-1995 co-Rookie of the Year season with Jason Kidd. Averaging 19.9 pts, 6.4 rebs, 5.0 asts, Hill roared into the NBA and left his mark in the Motor City while averaging 21.6, 7.8, 6.2 over the next six seasons for the Pistons. Unfortunately, as the calendar turned to a new millennium and Hill cashed in on his first six years in the NBA with a FAT contract in Orlando, the Magic (pun most definitely intended) all seemed to vanish. Gone were the days of Hill’s highlight reel performances. In their place were numerous injury-marred seasons during his tenure in Orlando. Now you have to really think about when the last time was that anyone has even heard the name Grant Hill in a context outside of his multiple injuries and subsequent visits to various orthopedists and specialists.

Well fear not sports fans, this week there was a Grant Hill sighting and it was for neither his play nor his ankles. It was reported a few days ago that Hill has moved from Orlando to equally-sunny Phoenix stating, “The humidity wreaks havoc on my perm.” (Wait, that may not be an entirely accurate quote. Sorry). The deal, known as the bi-annual exception, is a 2-year deal slated to make Hill $1.8 million in the first year and $2 million in the following year. Paying such a paltry salary to a player that could be a marquee addition to an already championship level team seems like it couldn’t miss. The Suns certainly are making out like bandits on this one.

Or are they? Regardless of this seemingly fool proof deal, I’m not even sure that Hill’s rickety ankles can be worth that much. Remember, he’s had five ankle surgeries compared with one season that he finished healthy during his run in Orlando. I’m no expert, but that doesn’t seem like a very good ratio. That’s like the Tennessee Titans saying, “Well, Pacman Jones may have just been questioned by police again for the 956^th time, but he did have a pretty good year last year … We should give him a contract extension when he finishes his suspension.”

I am not quite sure what Steve Kerr was thinking with this move. Maybe he wanted a golfing buddy for the off season, who knows. This move just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. The Suns have one of the most athletic and fun teams to watch in the NBA. To add a player who has terrible ankles and may not be able to keep up with their run-and-gun style baffles me. Kerr sited the need for another veteran presence for the addition of Hill. What’s wrong with pulling a deal for Kevin Garnett for a veteran presence? Kerr would have to give up either Amare Stoudemire or Shawn Marion for KG (a markedly steeper price than what they gave up for Hill, i.e. nothing), but he would gain a player that is looking to lock himself a place in the Hall of Fame and a championship would do that. The combo of Nash and KG would be electrifying and would put the Suns over their hump and into the NBA Finals finally.

Another confusing decision from the Western Conference is Sam Presti hiring PJ Carlesimo to be his head coach of the future. I loved what Presti has done over the past few weeks acquiring Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, and Delonte West and letting over-the-hill Ray Allen and over hyped Rashad Lewis go. But now with a great young nucleus to build upon he hires a coach with a career winning percentage of .452. .452!

The last most of us had heard of PJ Carlesimo, he was in Golden State being choked by one of the biggest nutcases in the NBA, Latrell Sprewell. (Note: Carlesimo cannot be entirely blamed for the situation because Sprewell is so far off the reservation that he once refused a multi- million contract citing “Guys gotta feed his family, yo.” Carlesimo has spent the past few season under the tutelage of Gregg Popivich in San Antonio, which hopefully has taught him a thing or two, most notably, some self-defense moves in case of another attack.

Let’s just hope the old PJ Carlesimo doesn’t shows up in Seattle. For all fans of basketball, I am praying that that is the case. They have the next great thing in the NBA with Durant and I don’t want to see Carlesimo ruining his career. In fact, if Durant has yet to reach the lofty expectations that we all have put upon him by the time he is entering his 3^rd year (Blog note: This will henceforth be known as the “LeBron Rule.” Any player drafted with as much hype as a LeBron James or a Kevin Durant has exactly three years to catapult their respective teams to levels well beyond what they should be competing at by any stretch of the imagination), I will personally choke PJ Carlesimo with my own two hands.

So good luck PJ. I hope your self-defense moves are sharp. They’re going to have to be when the entire city of Seattle is hunting you down in three years because you turned one of the most touted players in NBA history into a total dud.

Baseball Reference

While I was researching topics for new articles today, I came across a website that i felt the need to share with all of our loyal readers.

http://www.baseball-reference.com/

This site has every number that has ever happened in Major League Baseball since 1871. When I showed this site to fellow blogger Mr. AK, he was so overwhelmed with the amount of information on it, he did not even know where to start. If you have a few minutes (or hours actually) I highly suggest you take a look at it. I would start by checking out how your favorite team did on the day you where born and where they were in the standings. (Note: The Red Sox won and were in first place on my birthday. I must have been good luck)

Here's two fun facts from the website:

The Yankees have lost 4 out of the last 5 games played on George Steinbrenner's birthday, which is the 4th of July. In 2006, the Yankees lost 19-1 to the Cleveland Indians on this date.

The Red Sox are currently 101-53 all-time against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and have 15 games left with them this season.

Baseball Gurus Enjoy!

Movin' On Up (The Right Way)

On an easy summer evening in Boston, my friend (and fellow blogger) Shuman and I made our way to legendary Fenway Park to see the second game in a 4-game set against the cellar dwelling Texas Rangers. There was no element of heated rivalry that accompanies a Red Sox/Yankees game, nor was there the tension that might go along with a late-September game between two teams vying for one playoff spot. It was just a sunny Saturday at the end of June and seemingly just another game in the 162-game marathon that is a major league season.

However, after arriving at the park just before first pitch (Blog note: We left from his house nearly 2 hours in advance, but Shuman is possibly the worst driver ever and we practically ended up on Landsdowne Street fighting all the traffic and trying to find parking.), I immediately noticed that Coco Crisp, the streaking Red Sox CF, was out of the lineup. In that instant, a huge grin spread across my face as I saw that batting in the No. 9 hole was none other than #46 Jacoby Ellsbury.

Now for most fans outside of Red Sox Nation, Ellsbury’s promotion from Triple-A Pawtucket is about as deserving of headline news as Fifi the poodle winning the Tri-County Dog Show. Nevertheless, for every fan sitting in their uncomfortable wooden-backed seats inside historic Fenway Park, it was a special night. It’s not everyday that you can say that you saw the first big league game of a future star, but in Ellsbury’s case (who, by the way, is the #1 rated Red Sox prospect and the #33 rated prospect in all of baseball), his future stardom is more than likely.

Admittedly, that first game didn’t get off to the start I’m sure everyone (especially Ellsbury) had hoped. In the 2nd inning, Ellsbury chopped one off home plate that appeared to be foul, but Rangers catcher Gerald Laird sprang up, grabbed the ball, and tagged Ellsbury out before he even left the batters box.

For a player like Ellsbury who is noted for his speed (He was once clocked in the 4.2 second range on his 40-yard dash, a time that would make even the fastest NFL cornerbacks to be eating Jacoby’s dust), getting tagged out while still standing in the box will not be a normal occurrence. It took only a few innings of waiting though for the fans to see that speed firsthand. Stepping up to the plate, Ellsbury grounded to Michael Young at short and took off. On what should have been a routine ground ball out, Ellsbury flew down the line and beat out the throw for his first major league hit. How perfect is that?

That single left me searching for superlatives to sufficiently define his speed. Phenomenally fast? Outrageously fast? Michael Johnson-ly fast? It was unreal. In the split second between Ellsbury landing on the bag and 1B umpire Jeff Kellogg making and emphatic ‘SAFE’ signal, the stadium was deafeningly silent only to erupt in all-out euphoria. You would have thought the Sox just won the pennant. The atmosphere in the stadium was absolutely electric. By legging out a normally routine play, Ellsbury turned a mid-June, ho-hum game into pennant race environment in the few seconds that it took him to zip down the first baseline.

In the days following his debut 1-for-4 performance on June 30, Ellsbury has started three more games, batting .286 in 14 total at-bats. The kid is certainly holding his own. Although this is most likely a short-term arrangement and Ellsbury can expect to be shipped back to Triple-A soon after the All-Star game as Curt Schilling and others return from the DL, last Saturday’s game and his subsequent performances with the big club certainly prove that Ellsbury belongs. And what’s more, he’s done it the right way. No over inflated ego of a top young prospect (In response to a reporter asking if he was expecting to get called up “I didn't want to put a timeline on myself. I knew that if I went out and played hard, continued to improve -- that's the biggest thing, continued to improve -- that things were going to happen.”), no checkered personal history (See: Elijah Dukes and/or 75 percent of the NFL’s Cincinnati Bengals), and no possible steroid allegations (listed at a generous 6’1” 185 lbs., Ellsbury looks like a little kid out there).

All in all, for every kid who sleeps with a new mitt under his mattress and hops into his mom’s minivan with a mesh hat and a locally sponsored team uniform -- personally, I touted the maroon of Patrick Pontiac -- Ellsbury is living proof that the major league dream comes true. As he said, hard work and continued improvement led to the fulfillment of his dream, not steroids and corked bats.

On second thought, maybe Ellsbury’s first few games in the bigs should be headline news. It would certainly be a breath of fresh air.

1st Annual Bison Sports Guy Draft Diary

Good evening loyal reader(s) … not really sure if anyone will actually read this, but a guy can hope can’t he? Welcome to the 1st annual Bison Sports Guy NBA Draft Diary. We’re just minutes away from the opening pick of the 2007 draft where it is believe the Portland Trailblazers will stun the world and spurn projected #1 pick Greg Oden in favor of 7’3” 225 lb. Slovenian center Marko Lekic because “he had a great workout and has a ton of upside.” Wait, no sorry. I forgot, Ainge and McHale are still working for Boston and Minnesota respectively.

Fear not Blazers fans, you’re in good hands with Kevin Pritchard. Remember Portlanders … Portlandians … Portland-people (whatever you are), Pritchard is the same guy that unloaded head case Sebastian Telfair and the monster contract of Theo Ratliff on Boston for Raef LaFrentz (no upgrade there), complementary player Dan Dickau, and the rights to the 7th overall pick in Randy Foye, only to turn around and get you future Rookie of the Year Brandon Roy from Minnesota in exchange for Foye (16.8 ppg, 4.4 rpg, 4.0 apg vs. 10.1, 2.7, 2.8). Then as if that wasn’t enough wheeling and dealing for one draft day, Pritchard traded Portland’s own 4th overall pick, Tyrus Thomas, and non-factor Viktor Khryapa to Chicago for 2nd overall pick LaMarcus Aldridge, who is often considered the player from the Class of 2006 with the most potential. All in all Blazers fans, if Pritchard can move resident nutcase Zach Randolph for even 75 cents-on-the-dollar in the next couple weeks (if not later tonight), then I guarantee that you will be a playoff team in no time and you’ll have nobody but Kevin Pritchard to thank for it.
With that being said, let’s let the draft begin!

6:55 pm: ESPN’s coverage hasn’t started and Oden’s name has yet to be called, but I want to develop some odds on the “ridiculous suit worn by a lottery selection” inevitability. You’ve got to think that Joakim Noah is going to be the prohibitive favorite (5-to-3 anyone?) in this competition, but I think there are some definite sleepers out there. I’m personally going to take longshot Spencer Hawes (at least 50-to-1) because if he shows up in anything other than a gray or black suit with a white shirt and conservative tie, he’s going to look absolutely ridiculous. What a payout this guy’s going to be.

7:03 pm: The bookmakers must be happy! As coverage just began we get our first shot of Joakim and his stylistic choice: seersucker suit, bowtie, and a fresh perm. The kid looks like he just stepped out of a time warp to the 1970’s. Gotta love draft day.

7:36 pm: Oh my God! No, my TV went out. What’s going on? David Stern was just walking up to the podium with that big grin on his face that accompanies a man who knows that he has not one but two chances to welcome rookies into his league with the potential to be one (or two) of the top players of all time.

7:37 pm: Wait … they picked Oden, right? Haha, just kidding. I could write this diary for the first two overall picks without even watching TV (even though mine actually did just come back on). I’m pretty sure if the Blazers hadn’t picked Oden and the Sonics don’t pick Durant I would be able to hear every sports fan in America simultaneously shout something along the lines of, “Are you serious? Honey, get the kids … the apocalypse is beginning.”

7:40 pm: Although I truly believe that Sam Presti will be a good GM with the Sonics, he’s already losing points on my scale because it has taken him more than 0.4 seconds to get Stern back on stage and announce Durant as their pick.

7:42 pm: I retract my previous statement. As was just reported to us, Presti wasn’t hemming and hawing about Durant, he was just busy giving the hapless Celtics a collective swirly while taking their lunch money.

This is by far the low point in Danny Ainge’s tenure. On the surface, this trade might not seem that bad. They get an All-Star shooter in Ray Allen and unload two players who are injury prone and undersized respectively while only truly having to give away the #5 pick. One small problem, all of this would’ve been true four years ago. Now, while Allen is past his prime and coming off double ankle surgery, the “undersized” Delonte West is improving drastically, and the #5 pick will likely offer the likes of Yi Jianlian, Jeff Green, Brandon Wright and countless other future stars if the C’s would have stayed put. Ainge better sleep with one eye open and the entire city of Boston needs to be put on suicide watch. Somebody call the Godfather and make sure he’s still with us.

7:48 pm: Finally! Finally Billy Knight’s strategy of drafting the best available player rather than on need pays off. I’ll admit that the Hawks have an obvious need at PG (and soon-to-be-selected Mike Conley, Jr. could have fit the bill), but Horford is definitely the best player still on the board and the Hawks will be better with him on the floor even if they have a lineup of four power forwards and Joe Johnson. Plus, they can always use the #11 pick to choose a guy like Acie Law IV (who should still be around) or shop it to a team like Toronto for Jose Calderon or Seattle for Luke Ridnour.

7:52 pm: Predictably, the Grizz go with Mike Conley, Jr. here at #4. What’s wrong with this draft though? Is Danny Ainge taking on the responsibility of all the other front offices around the league to make bad decisions? So far we have organizations going 4-for-4 making the right pick which is entirely un-NBA of all of them. Oh wait, we still have Kevin McHale and Isiah Thomas’ picks to look forward to … phew!

On a side note, for the first time since Nate Robinson was drafted in 2005, David Stern was able to look eye-to-eye with a draftee. What a nice moment for the two little guys.

7:54 pm: We just got our first, “I have great confidence in my ability” quote from Conley in his post-selection interview. Just one time, when somebody asks one of these prospects whether he thinks he can contribute right away to an NBA team, I’d love to hear something like, “You know, who the hell knows. I’ll do my best but I have no clue if I’m gonna be the next Sam Bowie or the next Michael Jordan. I do know one thing though, I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank while we find out. Thanks Mr. [insert NBA owner here].”

7:56 pm: It is now official. As the Celtics select Jeff Green out of Georgetown with the #5 pick (to promptly send to Seattle), the final nail has been slammed into the Celtics’ coffin. Celtics fans everywhere will be popping Pepcid and Xanex for the next five years as they watch Pierce’s and Allen’s legs crumble beneath them while any one of a number of players from this stacked draft class begin to dominate the league. In a dramatic change of events though, Danny Ainge has also announced that he has been in talks to trade Al Jefferson and a future No. 1 to the New Orleans Hornets for Byron Scott (not to coach but to play). The C’s could be sweet in a men’s over-40 league in just a couple years.

8:00 pm: Brief sidebar, we just got a shot of Yi Jianlian sitting in the crowd waiting be selected. Unfortunately, he looks more like an international business man rather than an international basketball star. Where the hell is Jalen Rose when you need him. Noah’s the only one pulling his weight out there.

On another note, I’m pretty sure I can SEE Yi thinking, (in Chinese) “Please don’t let it be the Bucks, Wolves, or Bobcats. Please, please, please no. I swear to God I’ll go samurai right now and give myself an honorable death by my own hand if one of those teams pick me.” (Alright, that was a slightly misguided cultural reference but I wouldn’t be surprised if Yi’s still thinking those exact thoughts.).

8:03 pm: PERFECT!! The Bucks take Yi. This is the best thing that’s happened all night. Just when I thought that Ainge was going to be the only bonehead of the night, Bucks GM Larry Harris goes and drafts a player in Yi that has said on numerous occasions that he doesn’t want to play in Milwaukee. He even went so far as to deny the Bucks access to his pre-draft workout, so what does Harris do? He drafts him anyways because his dad, Dallas Mavericks assistant coach Del Harris, happened to coach Yi on China’s national team and spoke highly of the kid. Way to do your own scouting Larry.

Hovering around a 9 on the entertainment scale already, this pick just skyrocketed to at least a 13 out of 10 when Ric Bucher described Yi as “hip hop and 50 Cent” in comparison to countryman Yao Ming. Has there ever been a more inappropriate sports-pop culture comparison? That’s like comparing Pacman Jones to a cross between Mother Theresa and Bono.

8:11 pm: Great choice. The Minnesota Timberwolves select Corey Brewer of the University of Florida. Whether he ends up playing with KG or not – if KG isn’t traded this summer, he’ll only be around for one season at the most anyways – Randy Foye and Brewer should make a nice core for the Wolves to build around. A lockdown defender with the size and speed to D-up any player from BronBron to Nash to Wade to Dirk, Brewer needs to work on his offensive repertoire but has all the tools there with which to build on. Even better, Brewer seems to truly enjoy the moment as he shakes Commissioner Stern’s hand while smiling like a kid on Christmas. At one point in his post-selection interview with Stu Scott I’m pretty sure Brewer used the word “happy” a minimum of four times in one sentence (and I’m not even sure I caught all of them). Take a note Yi … be happy with what you get.

8:18 pm: Brandon Wright becomes the 4th freshman selected tonight and the 432nd Tar Heel chosen by the hometown Bobcats in the past three years. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but not too much.

Having been on fire with his analysis all night, Jay Bilas just dropped another gem in our laps. In describing Wright’s style of play, Bilas says, “He runs the floor like a deer.” Count it! Can we officially dub all these bits of wisdom as Bilasisms? What does that even mean exactly? Does Wright gracefully prance around the court until a pair of headlights are shone on him at which point he freezes in place? If so, I think I know how NBA teams are going to defend Brandon Wright.

8:23 pm: My new favorite moment in the draft: as the Bulls are on the clock with the pick they received in the Eddy Curry trade last year, the camera shows a fan in a Bulls jersey holding a giant poster reading “Thanks Isiah.” If that wasn’t funny enough to begin with, the shot then cuts to a clinically depressed Spike Lee trying to force a smile on his face and wave to the camera as he can see another 33-49 record flash before his eyes.

8:25 pm: Seersucker suit and all, Joakim Noah just got selected by the Chicago Bulls. I feel like he and Andre 3000 have to share the same stylist. What’s even better though is checking out Noah’s fresh perm poofing out from under the crisp new Bulls hat that he just put on. He seriously looks like a 7’0” Bozo the Clown.

If I were John Paxson though, I’d be ridiculously pissed right now. What does a guy have to do to get people to believe in his vision? He’s amassed one of the best, young team in the NBA with unbelievable potential, but all the analysts have to say is how Noah doesn’t really fit their need for a post scorer. I can just see Paxson sitting in his office thinking, “F------ trust me!” Albeit, the Bulls games next year are going to be something like 46-44 and there will be more bricks thrown up by the frontcourt combo of Noah and Ben Wallace then there are in the road to Oz, but if nothing else, the Bulls should far and away lead the NBA in blocked shots next year as the ‘Fro Bros (I’m copywriting this so don’t even think about it) lead the way.

8:32 pm: Hey hey! Look at my boy Spencer Hawes. That’s a pretty conservative suit, but he may be onto something with the powder purple shirt. Do I get at least place or show position on him with my 50-to-1 bet? Unfortunately, that’s about where the good things stop for Big Spence. Just what the Kings need, another big, unathletic center. Good call. Even Bilas is reaching for things to say and one of his only positives on Hawes is that “he really understands the game.” This leads me to think, how many of these guys DON’T understand the game? Based on some of the rookies from last year’s draft, I’d be willing to wager that the vast majority actually have no clue whatsoever but that’s just me.

8:36 pm: Steven A.'s criticism is off and running. I see Spencer Hawes being the next Rasho Nesterovic for him for at least a few years. I’ve also started thinking, have you ever noticed the uncanny similarity between Steven A. Smith and Samuel L. Jackson? Both use their pretentious middle initial and neither have the ability to moderate the volume of their voices. They’re pretty much interchangeable. I just started laughing as I thought about the Chappelle Show skit for Samuel Jackson beer:
SAMUEL JACKSON (Chappelle, dressed in colonial style costume a la Samuel Adams and shouting): How’s it taste motherf-----?
PATRON: Could you please stop yelling at me?
SAMUEL JACKSON: No, I can't stop yelling, 'cause that's how I talk! Haven't you seen my movies?

8:38 pm: Acie Law IV goes to the Atlanta Hawks in an uncharacteristic need pick for Billy Knight. My odds on money was with Josh McRoberts just because the Hawks already have a plethora of 4’s so I figured Knight would think they could use at least one more. In Bilas’ analysis, Law can’t defend, shoot, or beat you off the dribble. All good signs really. To be honest, I think Law will be one of those players with all the right intangibles that will make him a good NBA player without all the physical assets. As Mark Jackson noted, he’s a gamer. Plus, he’s got to have one of the best names in the history of the draft. I can just see the headlines after a big game now … ‘Laying Down The Law’ or ‘Long Arm Of The Law.’ It’s just too easy. I could go on for days.

8:46 pm: After the ESPN crew covering the draft talked for about 5 minutes about how the Sixers had to choose size here and get someone who could beef up their front court, Billy King (not to be confused with Hawks GM Billy Knight who actually appears to know what he’s doing this year) channeled his inner Danny Ainge and took Georgia Tech swingman Thaddeus Young. With a name like that, I feel like he should be in the antebellum south sipping on a mint julep and tending to the plantation.

8:50 pm: Video conference with Billy Knight who claims to be “happy with the guys we got” (despite passing on a chance to land All-Star Amare Stoudemire via trade earlier in the week). Given the fact that he looks like he’s been on a 6-day bender, I have a bit of trouble believing him.

8:52 pm: Mark my words, Julian Wright at #13 is hands down the steal of the draft. When he wins the Rookie of the Year next year playing under Byron Scott and alongside playmaker extraordinaire Chris Paul, you will all remember that you read this here first. I’m just warning you now. Even Steven A. is a fan, and he endorses Wright with the resounding “If Mehmet Okur can play in the NBA…” If that’s not support, I don’t know what is.

On a side note, Dickie V just predicted that at least 10 rookies are going to average in double figures from such a stacked draft class this year. I’m sorry, I’ve been resisting this joke all night but this time it’s just too easy … Janet Gretzky. Paging Janet Gretzky. Can we get some odds on this?

8:58 pm: Another steal at the tail end of the lottery, Al Thornton has the athleticism to contribute right away. That’s especially important for the Clips because Thornton will be retiring and collecting social security in a few years. This guy is older than Thaddeus Young sounds like he should be. Also, is anybody else bothered by the fact that the first ‘n’ isn’t pronounced in his name? It should be ThorNNNNton, not Thorton. It’s driving me nuts.

Alright everyone, with the vast majority of the quality prospects off the board and the likes of Daequan Cook and Tiago Splitter coming up, I’ve decided to split (Oh lord, I slay myself). I’m sure there will be more events over the course of this draft that will make me scratch my head and try to figure out if Danny Ainge had been impersonating another GM, but for now I’m off like a prom dress to collect my money on Spencer Hawes’ purple shirt. The style in this draft class was so weak that I’ve just been informed that Hawes showed directly behind the incomparable Joakim Noah and the other surprise of the night, USC’s Nick Young and his white blazer. Way to pay off big guy!

The Beginning of the End

Before I start this article, I would just like to thank the Godfather and Chad Ford for their mock draft today on espn.com. (Blog Note: Bill Simmons will henceforth be referred to as the Godfather in all articles a la Vince Vaughn/Luke Wilson in Old School.) My buddy described that running article as Christmas in late June and that wasn’t an exagerration. But now onto our own thoughts on the 2007 NBA Draft…

Tonight will be a night to remember for those gifted players that will hear their name called during the 2007 NBA Draft. They will get the chance to shake NBA Commissioner David Stern’s hand and put on their new team’s hat as they relish their first moments as a professional basketball player. For most of these players, getting drafted will be the culmination of a lifetime of dreams and jump shots.

However, as significant as the draft is for each individual player, it is tenfold more crucial for each individual team. The NBA Draft can make or break a NBA franchise for decades if they do not choose wisely. My hometown team, the Boston Celtics, have been unfortunate with their draft selections for my entire lifetime. (I wish I was kidding but I was born just a few months after the Len Bias tragedy and the Celtics have not won a Championship since.)

I hoped that 2007 would be the year to break this trend with the Greg Oden/Kevin Durant sweepstakes but the lottery system left Celtics fans and David Stern asking themselves “What did I do to deserve this?” (Unfortunately, I could also answer that rhetorical question with one word … tanking). As the Godfather repeatedly references, Celtics fans everywhere are now left with a constant feeling of nausea leading up to Draft Day as our comically incompetent Director of Basketball Operations, Danny Ainge, has to make yet another decision that has the potential to make or break our beloved franchise. Right now, I’m waiting for him to take another undersized player with little offensive ability with the #5 pick, just to see if he can actually outdo his other inexplicably bad front office moves.

In all honesty though, I just take it for what it is at this point … high comedy. By now, Ainge’s uselessness is only rivaled by one other major sports front office official … Matt Millen. If we could only put these two in a room, we’d have a brain trust of impenetrable strategic brilliance (Insert sarcasm thick enough to cut with a knife here.). Ultimately, if we’re going to make sure that Celtics fans everywhere stay off suicide watch, I’m led to believe that there is only one possible solution for the long-term safety of the Boston Celtics fans…

FIRE AINGE!

I know he won a bunch of championships with the C’s and is a favorite son from back in his playing days, but he has GOT to go. For that matter, hire anyone to replace. I’m not even kidding. Hire a chimp that can pull name’s from a hat. He would have a better chance of making the right pick for the Celtics at #5 with that method, plus he’d be infinitely more entertaining doing backflips when the Celts played well and throwing his [ahem!] at any of the players who slacked off.

But as bad as it is to be a Celtics fan amidst such unbelievable incompetence, I actually would venture to say that it must be worse to be David Stern. Coming off the lowest rated NBA Finals in recent memory, the lack of competitive games between the two conferences as a result of the gross disparity in talent is becoming alarming. We can credit Stern with developing such ideas as the surprisingly successful developmental league which has put teams in major markets like New York, Miami, and Chicago. Wait, sorry, I just remembered that this league is the Eastern Conference and not the NBDL, so I retract any and all previously granted praise for Stern.

Now to make matters worse, salt is just being rubbed in Stern’s metaphorica wound as not one but two arguably franchise-making future stars in Greg Oden and Kevin Durant are headed to the already stacked Western Conference (and not even to a major market to boot). For everything that he’s had to deal with as a result of the inequality between the conferences, the draft lottery must have been like taking a couple Ali haymakers right to the chin for Stern.

Never has there been a time that the Eastern Conference could have used a jolt of star power like an Oden or Durant more than right now, and with the Hawks sitting at #3 and the Celtics at #5, we missed it by that much. Just think about it, the two new stars of the NBA will be playing in the Pacific Northwest? Not only are Portland and Seattle not exactly major marketing cities, but by the time their home games are played, most of the East Coast is asleep. To make matters worse for Stern, a growing percentage of “fans” don’t even watch games till February and even then they only watch the fourth quarter when the game matters. So now, our poor David has the two most hyped players since King James playing in more-or-less obscure places where the vast majority of basketball fans will rarely get to see them play.

To make matters even worse, these are not two of the most stable franchises in the league. The Portland JailBlazers have seen their players incarcerated almost as much as the Cincinnati Bengals. Just a theory of mine, but this may be due to the fact that Portland has more microbreweries per square mile than anywhere else in the U.S. Now this club will be acquiring an underage player in Oden who has repeatedly said that he loved college, an institution founded around the bedrocks of kegstands, beer pong, and chugging contests. Consequently, I just don’t see a multitude of microbreweries and an underage Oden combining to create a trouble-free marriage of player and city.

In fact, I can just see it now. After the Blazers fail to trade resident problem child Zach Randolph, he and Oden are going to go out on the town “to welcome big Greg to Portland.” Randolph will buy Oden some drinks (translation: Oden will be alternating shots of Patron, bottles of Cristal, and beer bongs of PBR), and ultimately both will get arrested for supplying to a minor (in Randolph’s case) and underage consumption and public drunkenness for one of the stars upon which the league’s future is mortgaged. What's more, I can also imagine Stern crying himself to sleep on his little twin size bed (he’s just a little guy after all) while he figures out how to get more goofy, “white bread” kind of guys like Mark Madsen in the league.

Then there is the Seattle Supersonics landing Durant. This is just a disaster waiting to happen. Seattle will most likely be on the move, because of the lack of funding for a new stadium. Stern is pushing for a franchise to move to Oklahoma City, which means the Sonics could become the OK City Sonics. However, in my humble opinion, Vegas is the answer not Oklahoma City. Although OKC has already proven that it can support an NBA franchise, Vegas just offers so much more in the way of marketing and publicty (Please note that I’m completely ignoring the fact that at least ¾ of the Las Vegas Sonics’ lineup would be arrested within the first 2 months.) Nevertheless, just look at this…

OK City, OK

Vegas Baby Vegas

Which sounds more exciting to you? OK City is exactly what it says, okay, but Vegas has it all. After the NBA All-Star weekend though, a few provisions would have to be put into place prior to the move becoming final. First off, Pacman Jones and his entourage would not be allowed inside city limits at all (for obvious reasons), and John Daly, Michael Jordan, and Janet Gretzky probably shouldn’t be allowed in either just because they would have Durant point-shaving in no time. In fact, I actually take that back. If Oden is going to be chugging down gallons worth of Dead Guy Ale, Durant may as well be every bookie in America’s best friend merely for the sake of symmetry.

So there you have it. Oden and Durant going to the Pacific Northwest will be an absolute disaster for the NBA (maybe even worse than Ainge staying in the Celtics’ front office and trading Al Jefferson and the #5 pick to Atlanta in order to move up #3 and guarantee that they get their man Yi. Don’t think this couldn’t happen with Ainge and Doc Rivers at the helm.). As for the 2 “can’t miss” rookies, I see Oden pulling a Frank the Tank and running through downtown Portland in his best Naked-Bill Russell costume while Durant ultimately gets the Pete Rose treatment after a couple years of throwing games in Vegas and the two “future” NBA stars will be out of the league after 3 years. Maybe Stern doesn’t deserve such bad luck, but it’s his own fault that he didn’t rig this year’s lottery for the Celtics like he did for the Knicks in the infamous Ewing Draft. So, in the end…

FIRE STERN TOO!

Or at least get him a really stiff drink. It’s bad enough that he has to deal with all of this AND he’s going to look like a midget on national television as he shakes hands with the vertically gifted future NBA stars. Hey, maybe Big O can mix him up something nice.

Get Ready For 132!

Summer is officially here, and for the next 3 months baseball will be every sports fan’s obsession as we grind through the dog days of summer. The great thing about baseball, and what makes it America’s Pastime (the NFL may be more popular but you can’t tell me that anything in football comes close to having the historical and cultural significance of a Sox/Yanks series), is that it brings together people of all different walks of life. If you put a preteen from Cleveland, an Anheuser Busch executive from St. Louis, and 70-year old Dominican all in a room together, they may not have a lot in common but what they will have is baseball.

What’s more, baseball also combines an overpowering physical component that can be seen in moments such as Junior’s mammoth second home run yesterday in his homecoming to Seattle with an innate mental aspect like knowing when to put on the hit-and-run or bringing in a left-handed reliever to face lefty swinging monsters like Barry Bonds and David Ortiz. For me, this combination of the physical and the mental make baseball a truly beautiful game. It’s the perfect blend to pique my intense competitiveness while also playing right into my ultra-geek side as well.

My inner geek (I use inner here because I like to live with the illusion that I’m not actually the huge nerd that I really am) is completely infatuated with baseball as a game of numbers. When I open a newspaper from April to September the first thing I look at is the Major League Baseball’s standings. I look for Boston and then see W-L, GB, Last 10. I see the Yankees’ same stats and hope that the Red Sox have a dash under their GB while the Yankees have a number, preferably very large. After the standings, I make my way through the previous nights box scores keeping track of who’s hot and who’s not. My obsession with tracking all these statistics may seem inane and a waste of time to most, but there’s a reason why I’m annually dominant in my fantasy baseball leagues. My mother would be so proud. Poring over common stats like HR, RBI, AVG., and ERA as well as Moneyball-era sabermetric stats such as WHIP and OPS, I update my vast baseball data banks daily over a cup of coffee and toast.

As much as the daily stats thrill me though, it’s the historical significance of some otherwise unimportant numbers that completely sets baseball apart from any other sport. .406 … 56 … 2,632 … 61 … 5,714 … 755 … 131, these are numbers that transcend the game and permeate into national history and popular culture. .406 for Teddy Ballgame in 1941. Probably the last guy that will ever hit over .400 for an entire season. 56-game hit streak for Joltin’ Joe Dimaggio. To put that in perspective, you would have thought Jimmy Rollins was a game or two from breaking that record the way the media was covering him last year … and he still had almost 20 games to go! The numbers keep on coming too. 2,632 consecutive games for Cal Ripken, Jr., baseballs true Ironman. 61 home runs for Roger Maris in 1961, arguably one of the most famous baseball records to be broken in recent history (although with the steroid era in full swing, I’m among the many who still consider that the single season record). 5,714 strikeouts for the immortal Nolan Ryan, a record that stands to last quite sometime considering the next closest active pitcher is soon-to-be 45-year old Roger Clemens who sits more than 1,000 K’s behind Ryan. 755 home runs, Hank Aaron’s recently imperiled career HR mark that’s under siege by the juiced-to-the-gills Barry Bonds (Wait, who said that? Of course Bonds doesn’t use any performance enhancing drugs knowingly and he’s never been caught for it so that must be true. A head bigger than a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float isn’t at all suspitious.).

As Bonds’ assault on this most hallowed of baseball records continues with its requisite asterisk, true baseball fans will be getting treated to another record breaking performance in the near future as Bobby Cox makes what has now become his patented trot out from the Atlanta Braves’ dugout. No steroids necessary, Cox is just one game ejection away from breaking John McGraw’s all-time record for game ejections at 131. Cox, not necessarily the showman that some other managers such as Lou Piniella or Bobby Valentine are, has quietly assaulted umpires with accusations of incompetence and insinuations of foul play (pun very much intended) for nearly three decades. And even though he may lack a bit of flair in getting the thumb 131 times, he still has the uncanny ability to bring out the best in his organization. Just look at minor league affiliate the Mississippi Braves’ manager Phillip Wellman who put on one of the greatest tirades in baseball history including throwing the rosin bag like a grenade at the umpiring crew a la Sly Stallone in Rambo. With such great respect for the Braves’ managerial tradition, Wellman is just one more Cox disciple.

So, for the time being, let’s forget about Bonds’ juiced up chase. Let’s all just cross our fingers and hope that Major League Baseball puts some incompetent umpiring crew at Turner Field this week, so we can see Bobby Cox take over this record in style. As countless suckers float along in McCovey Cove anxiously awaiting catching an asterisked home run ball, I’ll be sitting in front of my TV catching every second of every Braves game. Fans in Atlanta will be on the edge of their seats as Cox gets ready to top the record. Who knows, maybe the normally understated manager will decide to enter the record books in style and throw a fit for the ages. Then some lucky fan can auction the displaced 3rd base bag that Cox unexpectedly launched into the stands on eBay. I know I’d pay more for that than Bonds’ 756th home run ball.

To Be (A Sport)... Or Not to Be

DOM PORTWOOD: Hi, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.
PETER GIBBONS: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.
DP: Yeah. Did you get that memo?
PG: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even really a problem anymore.
DP: Ah! Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!
Seriously, I actually just had this conversation. Well not this EXACT conversation, but as I sit here in my cubicle receiving inane memos, filling out useless “TPS reports,” and getting lectured by my innumerable bosses about god knows what, I have come to the realization that I AM Peter Gibbons. I am a living example of the cinematic caricature of how corporate America has devolved. As a summer intern for what we’ll call Initech for the sake on anonymity – as ridiculous as this job is, I do like the paycheck that accompanies it and I would prefer to keep those coming – I’ve realized that in all seriousness I do absolutely nothing of any importance. Basically, I file some papers, work on busy work projects for my bosses, and get into discussions with co-workers that drag out the lunch hour for as long as possible.

Over one such long, drawn out lunch hour, six of my co-workers and I were talking about what our weekend plans were for the much-needed respite from our real life Initech surroundings. At one point in the conversation, a colleague of mine, Employee #070543 who we’ll call Steve – I’m pretty sure he values his paycheck too so we’ll keep him out of it – told us all about his “huge bocce ball event” (I kid you not, these were his words). Now after the immediate outburst of laughter from the rest of us sitting at the table, we all tried to reason with Steve that while his enthusiasm for bocce was admirable, it was a completely misguided intensity because bocce ball wasn’t actually a sport. After minutes of vehemently opposing us, we just decided to let Steve live a lie in his own little fantasy world while we started debating what actually constitutes a sport.

Our discussion continued for what could have been hours (it’s not like anybody would’ve missed us at work) as we started defining the parameters that we deemed necessary for a competition to have in order to qualify it as a sport. In an age where ESPN – which, if you didn’t know, stands for Entertainment and Sports Programming Network – broadcasts more and more events such as the World Series of Poker and the Script’s National Spelling Bee that lean far away from the “sports” side of the spectrum, where do we turn to define what actually IS a sport?

Initially, we were thinking there ought to be a professional league towards which young athletes could aspire in order for an event to officially be considered a sport. However, many Olympic events such as wrestling, swimming, and many others have no such league so that argument was quickly thrown out (Writer’s Note: Although we all agreed that these events disqualified this argument, we also agreed that Olympic sports like equestrian and curling should not only be banned from the Olympics on account of the fact that they aren’t actually sports but should also be accompanied with some sort of corporal punishment for any participants. I’m a personal fan of flogging but that’s just me.).

So what next? Ultimately we decided that in order to be considered a sport, an activity must pass our 4-point test. Call it the Qualification For Sports Created By Guys Who Are Too Fat, Lazy, or Uncoordinated To Actually Compete In Said Sports or QFSCBGWATFLUTACISS for short. The four criteria are as follows:

1.There needs to be a higher level toward which one can strive to play such as a professional league or the Olympics (Yea, I guess you count bowling).
2.There needs to be some physical component to it (Ahem, uh NASCAR?).
3.There must be the ability for fierce competition or rivalry (I’ve never heard of a rabid curling rivalry).
4.There needs to be a fan base (Hockey is teetering dangerously close to oblivion. The only thing saving it at this point are those crazy Canadians, eh?)

While this still leaves a few organizational cracks – cheerleading actually qualifies as a sport under these guidelines, just watch Bring It On if you don’t believe me – we finally decided that this was the most all-encompassing qualifying criteria to define what is and is not a sport. So as you and your colleagues sit around arguing over the same topic, feel free to refer back to the QFSCBGWATFLUTACISS. It’ll serve you well.

For now, I have to go console Steve after we shattered his dreams at a future in bocce ball (we did a Google search and sadly there is no professional bocce league … idea?). If you need me, I’ll be doing my TPS reports. Peter Gibbons would be proud.

TOPIC VOTE

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