DOM PORTWOOD: Hi, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.
PETER GIBBONS: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.
DP: Yeah. Did you get that memo?
PG: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even really a problem anymore.
DP: Ah! Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!
Seriously, I actually just had this conversation. Well not this EXACT conversation, but as I sit here in my cubicle receiving inane memos, filling out useless “TPS reports,” and getting lectured by my innumerable bosses about god knows what, I have come to the realization that I AM Peter Gibbons. I am a living example of the cinematic caricature of how corporate America has devolved. As a summer intern for what we’ll call Initech for the sake on anonymity – as ridiculous as this job is, I do like the paycheck that accompanies it and I would prefer to keep those coming – I’ve realized that in all seriousness I do absolutely nothing of any importance. Basically, I file some papers, work on busy work projects for my bosses, and get into discussions with co-workers that drag out the lunch hour for as long as possible.
Over one such long, drawn out lunch hour, six of my co-workers and I were talking about what our weekend plans were for the much-needed respite from our real life Initech surroundings. At one point in the conversation, a colleague of mine, Employee #070543 who we’ll call Steve – I’m pretty sure he values his paycheck too so we’ll keep him out of it – told us all about his “huge bocce ball event” (I kid you not, these were his words). Now after the immediate outburst of laughter from the rest of us sitting at the table, we all tried to reason with Steve that while his enthusiasm for bocce was admirable, it was a completely misguided intensity because bocce ball wasn’t actually a sport. After minutes of vehemently opposing us, we just decided to let Steve live a lie in his own little fantasy world while we started debating what actually constitutes a sport.
Our discussion continued for what could have been hours (it’s not like anybody would’ve missed us at work) as we started defining the parameters that we deemed necessary for a competition to have in order to qualify it as a sport. In an age where ESPN – which, if you didn’t know, stands for Entertainment and Sports Programming Network – broadcasts more and more events such as the World Series of Poker and the Script’s National Spelling Bee that lean far away from the “sports” side of the spectrum, where do we turn to define what actually IS a sport?
Initially, we were thinking there ought to be a professional league towards which young athletes could aspire in order for an event to officially be considered a sport. However, many Olympic events such as wrestling, swimming, and many others have no such league so that argument was quickly thrown out (Writer’s Note: Although we all agreed that these events disqualified this argument, we also agreed that Olympic sports like equestrian and curling should not only be banned from the Olympics on account of the fact that they aren’t actually sports but should also be accompanied with some sort of corporal punishment for any participants. I’m a personal fan of flogging but that’s just me.).
So what next? Ultimately we decided that in order to be considered a sport, an activity must pass our 4-point test. Call it the Qualification For Sports Created By Guys Who Are Too Fat, Lazy, or Uncoordinated To Actually Compete In Said Sports or QFSCBGWATFLUTACISS for short. The four criteria are as follows:
1.There needs to be a higher level toward which one can strive to play such as a professional league or the Olympics (Yea, I guess you count bowling).
2.There needs to be some physical component to it (Ahem, uh NASCAR?).
3.There must be the ability for fierce competition or rivalry (I’ve never heard of a rabid curling rivalry).
4.There needs to be a fan base (Hockey is teetering dangerously close to oblivion. The only thing saving it at this point are those crazy Canadians, eh?)
While this still leaves a few organizational cracks – cheerleading actually qualifies as a sport under these guidelines, just watch Bring It On if you don’t believe me – we finally decided that this was the most all-encompassing qualifying criteria to define what is and is not a sport. So as you and your colleagues sit around arguing over the same topic, feel free to refer back to the QFSCBGWATFLUTACISS. It’ll serve you well.
For now, I have to go console Steve after we shattered his dreams at a future in bocce ball (we did a Google search and sadly there is no professional bocce league … idea?). If you need me, I’ll be doing my TPS reports. Peter Gibbons would be proud.
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6 comments:
Dear Shumania,
Please visit http://www.worldbocce.org/ . The official website of the WBL (World Bocce League).
As official editor of this article, I would like to note that although a WBL may exist ... who the hell had ever heard of it? Bocce is a great GAME, but absolutely not a sport.
AK,
Your argument doesn't hold any water. Just because you haven't heard of the league, it isn't a sport?
Have you heard of the WPRO, or the MISL?
Certainly Racquetball and Soccer are sports..
Conversely, Poker IS a sport because you've presumably heard of the World Poker Tour?
Shumania, you might want to invest in a new editor..
pato,
I appreciate your dedication to the argument, but you're wrong ... you just are.
First of all, I feel I must make a clarification (and perhaps this can be a follow-up article). There is a very large difference between what can be defined as a sport, a game, and an event.
A sport, as I qualify it (outside the aforementioned 4-point system) is an activity that combines a high level of athletic intensity with at least a small degree of mainstream interest and professional or high-level amateur competition (see: inclusion of Olympic sports).
Poker, as you referenced in your counterargument, is a GAME. While presumably everyone has heard of the WSOP and poker requires a great deal of strategy and mental/emotional fortitude, it includes absolutely no athletic component (unless you include that "Jesus" guy who can cut a carrot by throwing a card at it).
Lastly, I'll include bocce (generously) as an event just so you can live with your fantasy. Activities that can constitute an event may require somewhat more athleticism (although not too much in the case of bocce). However, they still don't have the popular component nor the higher level of competition. If you'd actually looked into your prized WBL, you would have found that it's actually not much more than some guys in Illinois that are trying to sell some shit while getting people to play a fun Saturday family picnic game. For the love, the entire home page is just dedicated to selling you stuff!! What's more, although they do have events from time to time, I'd argue that the LPGA draws a larger crowd by the 7:05 am tee time on the Thursday of a D-rate tournament being held in East Nowhere, Iowa.
So there you have it ... despite your best efforts, bocce still isn't a sport.
On a final note, you are correct in saying that both Racquetball and Soccer are sports but not because of your reasoning. Racquetball, for example, has an International Racquetball Tour that I've both seen live while staying in a hotel in Cleveland and seen on TV on SkySports. More importantly, of course soccer is a sport, and not just because I HAVE heard of the MISL (I'm a D-1 Men's soccer player, of course I know what the MISL is). It's a sport because I've also heard of the EPL, La Liga, the Bundesliga, Serie A, and even the MLS, to name a few higher levels of competition for that sport.
AK,
I guess this disagreement boils down to how we each determine the "high level of athletic intensity". I would argue that the ability to keep focus, hide emotion, and stay alert for 12 hours + in continuation is athletic intensity. This is what professional poker players have to do who are on the tour (in poker circles, the tour is the WSOP Circuit + the WPT and the EPT). While it is not the same athletic challenge as playing soccer (stamina, speed, and strength would be the three most important traits I would imagine..unless you're the goalie), it is still a draining challenge.
I'll agree to disagree here, becuase there are other columns to comment on.
BTW, I'm expecting a running diary of tonight's NBA draft- will I be dissapointed?
Alright pato ("the duck" en espanol) agree to disagree. Your draft diary is on it's way. Unfortunately, I've actually had work to do at the office today (what kind of bull is that, right?). You'll have it by the afternoon.
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